(Not) My First Blog (or Rodeo)

YOU’RE FORGIVEN – AND BLESSED – IF YOU HADN’T NOTICED

I First Potchke’d Around With Shameless, Hyperbolic, Egocentric, Self-PromotionBlogging – A Decade Ago.

A recent Global Poll reported nearly 7.6 billion people have never heard of me.

A big, unflattering number – depends on one’s perspective – expected to reach 10 billion by 2050.

Ten zeroes, folks!

How’s that for potential? Continue reading “(Not) My First Blog (or Rodeo)”

The Bane Of Holiday Jumpers

DON’T CHA JUST WANNA SMACK …

Every Last One Of The Greedy Bastards?

“The Avaricious Whoring Of Holiday Retail Merchandising Has Leapt Way-Out-Of-Season And Out-Of-Bounds.”

Christmas Lights strung over Jack O’Lanterns!  Blasphemous. 

So, What’s It Going To Be:  Trick or Treat – or – Seasons Greetings?

 

FAKE SNOW

Is It … On The Giant Inflatable Easter Bunny?

Aisle #5 next to the Winter Gardening Tools.

Black Friday Sales on a Tuesday in August!

Genius Marketing.

 

HEY, WE’RE CONFUSING THE KIDS …

The Poor Things Barely Know “Which Gender They Want To Be When They Grow Up … 

And, this Atrocity of Mishmash Seasonally Ambiguous Merchandising hasn’t helped our collective Identity Crisis. 

Is it still illegal to wish anyone Merry Christmas?  

… I Won’t Tell If You Don’t.

 

I GET IT

Holiday Commercialism Is The Economic Messiah …  

Seasonal Employment Boosts.  Driving Year-End Profits.  And, Personal Debt.

High Priest of The Cash Cow.  A Cha-Cha Ching Thing.  I Do My Part.

“Retail Therapy … You’ll Get Over It, Darling.”

 

SHAMELESS PSA: BECAUSE I CARE …

We’ve (Just Barely) Survived The Gluttonous Campaign of The Canadian Thanksgiving – America, You’re Up Next – Gobble, Gobble Tofurky.

In the interim of Elevated Adult Boredom, we’re all Jonseing over Halloween.

Noshing-on-Candy before, during and after October 31st.  In between meals.  Insatiable accompaniment to Netflix Bingeing.  Flirting with early candidacy for Type 2 Diabetes – STOP – make wise choices.  You don’t need it.  Put it down.  Spit it out.  Now. 

My Tough Love.  Virtual Hug.  Saving All Y’all of Us from another unnecessary, avoidable New Year’s Resolution that we’re just going to break.  You’re Welcome.

 

SHAMELESS PSA: SUGAR LOBBY PIMPS GET A CONSCIENCE

Chocolate Loves Me, Loves Me Not … Oh, But She’s A Dark, Sweet Cocoa Temptress I Can Resist … When She’s Not Around Me.

You should know:

Sugar is not about to be short-listed for inclusion on any Endangered Consumable Sh!t That Is Good For You …

Kale Jerky will just as easily satisfy your Sweet Tooth.  Okay, that’s not true.  Nature’s Bad Boy Green is also the 463,829th Leading Cause of Cavities in Vegans.  

 

FUN FACT CONFESSION OBSESSION DIGRESSION

Are We Finally Done With Pumpkin Spice?

“Let’s … Give It A Break, Give It A Break, Give It A Break, Now.”

Does anyone truly like it?  Ditto Cinnamon.  Rhubarb.  Butterscotch. 

… Three Unforgivable Lies Our Taste Buds Keep Pushing Down Our Throats.

 

SANTA, SURE

Dress Me In Anything Red … I Look Creepy … And, Not The Nice Creepy Either.

All White.  Cartagena Blanco?  I look Institutionalized Creepier.

Red & White?

I Look Creepiest.

 

I’M KEEPING WITH TRADITION THIS YEAR

Sticking To The Schedule – Following the Calendar – Celebrating Holidays On The Day Of … 

So, there’ll be no Caroling in April. 

“You’re A Mean One, Mister Grinch.”

Or, Valentine’s in Whenever?

 

YOU SHOULD ALSO KNOW …

I’ve Been Humming “Auld Lang Syne” All Week.

Wishing Everyone …

“All The Best For A Happy & Joyous 2020.”

As I eat hide Chocolate Easter Eggs everywhere.

 

Image by Pixabay

The 7 Or Was It 9 Of Us?

WALK INTO A BAR

Stop.  Back Up.  To The Beginning …  

Okay, we didn’t actually get in to the bar.  Not on the first couple of attempts.  That would’ve been way too easy.  Of course, My Brethren don’t Do Easy easily.

Epic Fails also isn’t our thing.  And, No is never an option.  Such was the elevated conundrum in imminent need of a viable solution.  Then again, collectively-speaking, we had 3 Undeniably “Jealous Much?” Essential Things Going For Us: Continue reading “The 7 Or Was It 9 Of Us?”

Frank’s Trifecta

An excerpt fromRampart Red– Copyright © 2015 by Michael A. Kuch

JUNE 22, 1979

After The Last Day Of High School … 

Milo and Percy sat shoulder to shoulder stooped like pigeons on the front porch steps of the Como’s bungalow watching Donny and Sam in the driveway.

“No freakin’ way,” Donny said, sucking on an orange popsicle.  “Not a chance, my man.”

“What’s the problem?” Sam asked.  “It’s got plenty of room.”

Sam was rinsing the hood of his mom’s 1964 Rambler American convertible.  Rampart Red. Continue reading “Frank’s Trifecta”

Road Trip

VIRGINIA

Going Down Old Dominion Way … Shenandoah Valley … Blue Ridge Mountains … 

A Night In Staunton.  Through Charlottesville – Wa-Hoo-Wa! – If you know, what I mean …  On to Richmond and the Festivities.

“Celebrating 140 Years of Brotherhood on a Long, Long, Long Weekend.”

… Consequens Umquam, Deessens Numquam … 

 

Photo by Mike from Pexels

We Should Talk

GIRLS, PLEASE SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING

The Guys Need Help … Tout de Suite … 

This mess has gone beyond My Humble, Always Jaded Opinion … from Bad Sci-Fi to The Un-See-Able Mortification of Vanity.

An intervention of Armageddon proportion is needed to Save The Males from Themselves, because the Ragazzi are not going to do it alone.

 … I Promise To Help Where I Can, But Please Keep In Mind I May Be Part Of The Problem. Continue reading “We Should Talk”

An Idiot’s Guide To Time Travel

EDITOR’S NOTE

It’ll Enrich The Reader’s Experience … 

To recognize and celebrate we’re all Dumb As Mud on occasion.  While for some, such occasion happens daily … mine dropped midweek.  Sort of.

You needn’t be Einsteinian to comprehend what follows.

In fact, that would be a hindrance to its enjoyment, because none of it is rooted in Scientific Dogma, which I’ve since discovered isn’t a brand of nutritionally-balanced food for smart canines. Continue reading “An Idiot’s Guide To Time Travel”

My Valentine To Walmart

I GOT ALL COLLOQUIAL ABOUT IT

Wearing My Best Worst Resting Pr!ck Face … I Dropped:

“Oh, No You Ditten.”

Delivered with just enough of a hint of Incredulous Sarcasm warmed over by Hurry It Up, Saturday Mornings Don’t Last Forever, Daisy … 

To clue in the obvious that neither one of us wanted to be there … to the smartphone-brandishing, dismissive Little Miss As-If-Whatev’s hiding in plain sight behind the Big Blue Counter of Purgatory … about the two most important parts of Customer Service:

Nice-ish Paying Customer (All About Me) and At-Least-Feign-The-Part-Of-Giving-A-Hey-Now-About-Service (All About You). Continue reading “My Valentine To Walmart”

Carl

ABOUT TIME

I Formally Introduced Carl … Carlos … Carlito … 

Cee for short.  The dude goes by several hip monikers.

He’ll answer to almost anything starting with a C, including Charlie, but don’t ever call him Chuck unless the two of you are tight.

… Just The Way He Is About Certain Things … Continue reading “Carl”

Love Nosh

SUNDAY LEFTOVERS

Sharing My Lunch Today … 

Eating Clean – Forgiveness, Compassion, Tolerance – served on a Big Plate of Faith.

“Light On The Guilt, Please … I’m Saving Room For Gratitude.”

… My Monday Feast.

 

Image by Pixabay

Ah-May-Zing?

OF COURSE IT IS

If You Haven’t Already … I’m Asking Nicely … 

Now is the perfect time to stop using this insufferably hyperbolic Idiom.

To the habitual user (serial abuser), a kind request – consideration – to please refrain from another impulsive chorus …

… The annoyingly slow-as-molasses, exaggerative annunciation (of its three trite syllables) could use a sabbatical from popular social commentary vernacular. Continue reading “Ah-May-Zing?”

Play Nice

“YA DA-UHM PHA-UHK”

Is What I Heard Him Say …    

Annunciated phonics.

Clever.

Delivered in a dialect void of thought, reason and purpose.

I doubt Hope was anywhere to be found … and Forgiveness as foreign as Love … in his hub of a miserable life.

Brandishing Hate – at will – fermented by misdirected rage was all he could offer leaning through the open window of his pick up truck. Continue reading “Play Nice”

Peddle Slower

LEARNING SELF-LOVE

Perspective In Life Takes Time Invested In Truth, Awareness And Positive Reflection.

In our blind, gluttonous rush to succeed and conquer all at any cost – to achieve and be everything we’ve ever dreamt of – we wear ourselves down to the barest thread of humanity.

Until we stress out, become ill, and collapse.

We’re left cannibalizing our Soul for another sliver of Spiritual Sustenance. Continue reading “Peddle Slower”

Confusing False Bravado With True Confidence: Self-Empowerment Built On Spiritual Strength

GIVE EGO A SLAP

It Takes All The Blame On This One.

Humility and Modesty are the true barometers of Spiritual Strength.

“Of the infinite misjudgements, tribulations and poor decisions I’ve curated in my adolescence, ushered through early adulthood and lingered on into middle-age, trumping up my confidence on a fatalistic foundation of bravado and conceit, was the most perilous work of an Ego Gone Bad.”

Continue reading “Confusing False Bravado With True Confidence: Self-Empowerment Built On Spiritual Strength”

Bubble Gum Pink

An excerpt from ‘Swayed’ – Copyright © 2014 by Michael A. Kuch

HANK PEPPER KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA

Going Back To Sugars.

The moment Ray Delano opened his big mouth Hank’s plans went straight to shit.  Strip clubs weren’t his thing.  Not anymore.

Ray showed up at Hank’s place Friday night, dragging a bubble gum pink Samsonite behind him like it was a rotting cadaver on wheels.

Hank figured it was about Tess, Ray’s wife.

It was always about Tess. Continue reading “Bubble Gum Pink”

Uncle Bart

An excerpt from ‘The Rose Consolation’ – Copyright © 2017 by Michael A. Kuch

I’M ZIGGY ROSE

Liar, Cheat and Thief.

If consolation for criminal ineptitude offers immunity from further judgement, I’m not very good at any of these.

A trite claim, I suppose, doesn’t make me any less culpable for what I’ve done. Continue reading “Uncle Bart”

Claire, Darling

An excerpt from ‘Café Baci’ – Copyright © 2011 by Michael Kuch

CLAIRE FLUSHED TWICE

A lady always flushes twice and never looks.

She placed the lid down on the toilet seat to remind Jack.

Gentlemanly etiquette was a desirable trait in cohabitating mates.

She stepped to the bidet, straddled the top, letting the water warm before tending to the feminine essentials with a rinse to the bottom, and patted herself dry with a towel. Continue reading “Claire, Darling”

The 7 Dumbest Things I’ve Ever Done & A Few I’m Likely To Repeat

+ 2 DUMBASS BONUS THOUGHTS FOR “MY PHUKET LIST”

This Farce Is Edited For Brevity And Believability

Delivered with mortal fear of paying Divine Restitution for rarely using my brain and common sense to get me this far along …

Its a small mercy there’s a Statute of Limitations on prosecuting stupidity.

Wait, what?

So, when exactly did it expire?

Okay, scratch that idea … Continue reading “The 7 Dumbest Things I’ve Ever Done & A Few I’m Likely To Repeat”

Hey, Rube

An excerpt from ‘The Last Meh of Chick Valentine’ – Copyright © 2017 by Michael Kuch

THE BREAKFAST CROWD AT THE KENSINGTON DELI

Thinned into a small queue waiting to pay their checks.

A quartet of dink-faced hipsters, freshly smug and failing reverence, postured around the front door, snot deep in their smart phones to notice Chick Valentine as he slipped past. Continue reading “Hey, Rube”

My Sexual Orientation Needs No Explanation: Curious Confessions Of An Obviously Straight Man With Bigger Issues

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE THINKING

What’re you Adorable Little Doubters thinking?

Let’s start with the facts – obvious, fabricated or otherwise – liberated for sensational effect, a requisite for scripting this gem of undeniable irrelevance.

It’s been bugging my ass – right, my puns are always intentional, off-mark and ill-executed – for almost 30 years.

Here’s how it goes …
Continue reading “My Sexual Orientation Needs No Explanation: Curious Confessions Of An Obviously Straight Man With Bigger Issues”

My Passport Renewal Ordeal: A Plea of Clemency to Neuter Redundancy

NOTHING SIPHONS THE VIRILITY OF LIFE FROM ME

Or chafes my undercarriage so excruciatingly raw, as the Soul-extracting ordeal of renewing government-issue ID.

Arguably, surpassed only by the irreverent Ontario Motor Vehicle Licensing Offices for grandiose ineptitude, time-whoring stalls, and their inimitable mantra of: Continue reading “My Passport Renewal Ordeal: A Plea of Clemency to Neuter Redundancy”