Quasi Blasphemous Muses About The After Life: “What’s It Take For A Wretch Like Me To Get An Invite?”

I’M CURIOUS ABOUT MY CHANCES OF GETTING IN

Now What Am I Supposed To Do For An Encore?

The eternally, hopeful optimist in me figures I’m about halfway there.

The troubled pessimist?

Meh … not so much.

IT’S A LONG LINE UP AHEAD

And I Don’t See Anyone Standing Behind Me.

Except for the ugly SOB with the bad complexion, hellacious halitosis, horns and pitch fork.

Why’s he so miserable?

Must be the heat …

As for the realist?

Dream on, Bud.

I GET IT

I Still Have A Bunch Of Straightening Up To Do. 

Getting my dung together.

Penance, anyone?

“How about being God’s handy little helper and not waiting for Him to remind me to clean up my Temple?”

Would that be a problem?

Another few year’s Lifetime’s of Penance to wash out the bad things I’ve copped.

Saving A Few Moves For The Big Crescendo.

IS IT A PARTY UP THERE?

Or, Sunday School Everyday?

A little bit of both, I suppose.

Unlikely, Chico.

Let me re-think the party …

Isn’t that what we’ve been doing the whole time on the wrong side of Paradise?

Trying to scrub out the stains of life.

I GET THE ADAGE

We’re Here For A Good Time, Not A Long Time.”

This milquetoast, pop rockin’ anthem’s worked out just swell for most of us.

Alright, maybe not so much for those who flamed out hard and went down early.

Live for the moment.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  No Regrets.

I tried that spiel for a few decades.  Not my thing, anymore.  Never was.

… Alright, Kibosh The Perpetual Soiree … I’m Not Crazy About The Ending.

JUDGEMENT IS COMING!

Oh, Really, Now … Wait For It.

So, You’re Going To Harp On About ‘End Of Times’?

Blah, Yada, Blah, Yada … 

Courtesy of Mr. Judgemental, Hypo-Christian, Pontificator of Unsolicited Ignorance And Finger Wagging?

Okay, fine.

I’ve called myself worse.

So have plenty of others.

And, also, yes.

APOCALYPSE NOW?

Or Anytime You Like, Really.

Stream it, if you prefer.

I’m just saying,

“Armageddon’s a thing, folks.”

Witness the Millennial Apocalypse we’re living through.

Anyone aside from the Helicopter “Haven’t-Got-A-Whiff-Of-A-Clue, We-Really-Screwed-It-Up-For-The-Rest-Of-Society, But-Aren’t-Taking-A-Shred-Of-Blame?” Parents whom created these adorable little sh!ts monsters see that one coming?

MY NEW MANTRA

Mea Culpa, Non.

Not My Fault, Babe.

I’m not taking a machete to the cojones for this … not like I did the time we pilfered Monsieur Tangelo’s Toupee.

And, we all thought it was going to be Zombies inheriting the Earth.

Some days, I can’t tell the difference.

Can you?

Advantage Zombies (vs Millennials):

  1. The Dead seem to have a better attention span;
  2. Vanity doesn’t rank high on their self-worth barometer, as if they care for Snapchat, and;
  3. They’re a little less self-righteous and cynical.

The Keto Diet is working wonders for them, so who’s to argue?

Besides, The Walking Dead Beats also don’t become so indignant when anyone suggests the E word.

Scrabble easy hint: D-E-L-T-I-T-N-E

WHERE ARE MY PRETTY LITTLE HEATHENS HIDING?

There You Are … We’re All In This Together … Even If We Don’t Agree.

We’ve Got Some Work To Do.

All of Us.

Though I doubt you’ll care, I just thought you should know.

Sharing.

Caring.

Loving.

You’re Welcome … Pass It On.

J-DAY’S

Been A Tick-Tick-Tocking, Slick … It’s Merry Way Since Way Back When, I Don’t Remember.

It’d be foolish to believe we haven’t been judged all along this deep into the Big Dress Rehearsal … that isn’t.

”How’ve you spent your time in God’s Gracious Trust and Test?’

You know what I’ve been doing to screw it up.

Hedging on Clemency, Redemption, Salvation … to get me through the night.

And, respectfully, if you don’t believe in The Divinity of The Monotheist God, how’s your Ego’s conscience working out?

Is it just a single day of reckoning.

The Final Day?

FUN FACT CONFESSON #1

I Love Sweating The Small Stuff ®

Every chance I get …

Sweat from honest, hard work.

Don’t worry, there’s still time.

The little details in Life matter as much as the broad strokes.

EVER “DO GOOD”

When No One’s Watching?

I bet you have and never stopped to think about.

Some nosey perp is always watching these days.

What if social media didn’t exist and nothing was posted in a nanosecond?

“Imagine the worldGroundhogged’ itself back in 1979, 1994, 2011 … and Every Single Day Was Identical To The Previous One … and That Specific Day Wasn’t Your Finest.”

Never thought of it that way.

Would We Behave Any Differently Knowing The Outcome?

SEEMS LIKE A MINOR MIRACLE

Whenever A Stranger Performs A Random Act Of Kindness.

Holds open the door.

Says, “Hey, thanks.”

Gives up their seat.

Doesn’t Flip You The Bird In Traffic.

IGNORANCE

It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore, Carl.

It usurps precious positive energy best invested in Knowledge and Faith and Truth.

Yes, they all go together like Milk & Cookies.

Ignorance is the dissuasive culprit that deviates pure thought.

AN UNNECESSARY DIGRESSION ABOUT PROCRASTINATION, DEATH & TAXES

As Is My Deliberating Nature … 

I procrastinate whenever it suits me or a particular occasion, especially when it comes to addressing anything without a hard deadline.

“Like death, I’m putting it off for the absolute very last minute.”

And, watering plants.

Did you know Floracide is crime against the Earth Mother?

Ditto, doing good deeds.

Though I’ve convinced myself – and no others – this should be a daily thing I needn’t be reminded about.

Want to see tangible results?

Give me an unnegotiable, immoveable deadline, and I’m smack on point every time.

HOW ABOUT AN EXAMPLE WHEN YOU SCREWED UP?

Okay, There Was This One Time … 

… When I discovered my proclivity for arousing Dismissive Arrogance within, didn’t work out nearly as well as I had imagined:

So, when are taxes due?

“April 30th, Darling.  Same time every year, Sugar.”

For posterity, I’ve had some lovely discussions with the helpful folks at the CRA about the Benefits of Not Withholding Taxes.

My counterpoint:

“Deferred Inevitably is Strangle Holding My Slim Cash Flow.”

Guess who doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Call me dumb – not a stretch – but I’ve always thought there is a knowable difference between Late and Never.

To my point, We have a swell agreement that, for the moment and all foreseeable time, is mutually beneficial:

“Hey, yo, Snapper Head!  Pay all your freakin’ taxes on time and we don’t need to talk ’bout it for another year, capece?”

SO, WHAT’S THE CONNECTION?

Penance – Like Taxes – Is Best Paid In Full When Due.

Bypassing bigger fines, judgement and sentencing.

None of us can afford.

Not me, at least.

FOR ALL IT’S WORTH (NOT MUCH)

I Haven’t Prepared Well Enough For Whatever Follows This One Mortal Life.

It’s not an ideal predicament.

Speculating about the After Life.

It’s precisely and deservedly, what I get for being the imperfect version of me.

And, stumbling my way to the back of the line.

I HAVEN’T PACKED

What Do I Bring?

Must be quite the temperature fluctuation between the Penthouse and the Basement.

Where will I set up my eternal abode:

Heaven or Hell.

Don’t you wish there was a third choice?

Right, Purgatory.

Let’s pretend we’re all in agreement these two polarizing entities exist in some knowable state.

Heathens pay attention here.

This is for your benefit, too.

OBVIOUSLY, I’M CHOOSING THE PENTHOUSE

Preferably With An Ocean View.

The Hills of Positano.

Corfu would be splendid.

The South of France.

Jamaica.

A beach – Tropical or Mediterranean – is non-negotiable.

ETERNAL TIME DOESN’T TICK

So Much For The Delusion of Cramming In Everything On The Trivial Bucket List.

What’s the rush?

Time never begins or ends in Paradise.

How I imagine it.

Getting there should be the only thing on your Bucket List.

ARE YOU FORGETTING THE PEARLY GATES?

I’m Hoping There’s An Express Check-In.

I hit status on my Marriott Rewards.

Think they’ll consider honoring it?

I travel light.

Except For Underwear.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS ONLY FOR THE IGNORANT

Deference Of Accountability Hasn’t Worked Out As Planned In My Life.

I’ve got some tough interrogation ahead.

I’m running out of good excuses to get me off the hook.

All the bad ones got me in trouble.

MY LAST DEPOSIT IN THE KARMA BANK

Just Bounced.

I’m overdrawn.

Time to get back to what matters.

Sweating The Small Stuff.

Give it a try.

 

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