Confessions Of A Wannabe Millennial Whisperer

“I THINK I SCARED THEM …”

… Scarred Them, Too … Don’t Worry It’ll Be Alright, My Poor Little Darlings …  

Those Adorable Bright-Eyed, Bambi-Loving, Bubble Tea-Coddling, Uber-Chauffeured Keeners seated up front during Career Night.

So, there I was pontificating in my rhetorical way: “This & That & The Other Important Stuff … Nobody Has Ever Bothered To Tell Them About” soliloquy, as though they’ve never heard an unnecessary verbal spiel from a Smarty-Pants-Know-It-All-To-Hell-And-Back middle-aged Dude with something quasi-sensible to say.

… Because My Version of The Truth ® … Never Hurt Killed Anyone (*) … And, well, this was for their benefit almost as much as mine.

FUN FACT CONFESSION #1

Whoa, Cowboy … Start Again …

We’ll get to the omnipresent little asterisk (*) later on.

I was recently invited tasked to be the corporate shrill – resident blowhard – at a company event.

The target audience, a flock of graduating Interior Design Students from Ryerson University in Toronto (Canada).

HOW’D IT GO?

Oh, It Went, Splendidly-ish Like …  For 30 Minutes … My Allotted Time To Impress, Engage And … Woo.

Woo-Woo-Wooing is what I do professionally.  Occasionally, just well enough to be compensated and also, appreciably short of annoying others.  And, I make impressions – though not in sand or mud, in foamy heads of cappuccino, bubble baths, etc. – but, when It all comes together perfectly, through mentoring and helping mold the minds and unbridled energy of those susceptible to my superpowers of influence, inspiration, motivation and acts of benevolence and goodwill … Right, Said Mr. Humble Guy.

Then I went off – Way, Way Off – script.

… Adlibbed Myself Into Submission, Shied Away From My Cleverly Crafted Bullet Points, Which History Has Concluded Is Rarely A Good Idea And Never Ends Well For Me.

CRICKETS

Is What I Heard … Until I Made An Audible Play Call To Self …  Internal Dialog Occasionally Spawns Arguably Genius Ideas At The Threshold Of Desperation

“Eureka, Mick … Ask Them The Questions!”

Not surprisingly, Millennials Love Being Asked Questions … About Themselves, a welcomed relief when taking momentary breathers from Talking … About Themselves.

Narcissism?cough, cough, cough … Nah, It’s Just New School Millennial Self Love.

THANK GOODNESS

For Q & A …

“Because Millennials Also Love Asking Questions.”

Especially when the Questions Match Their Answers.

How it went.  Very Zen.  You should try it.

… We All Got Along Ah-May-Zing-Ly.

WHERE TO START?

My Jokes Always Never Work … Once They Slip Through My Mind And Out Of My Big Mouth …   

This doesn’t stop me from simultaneously embarrassing and charming myself, which is far more difficult than you could imagine, and deserves some type of self-recognition, treat or reward.  Or, more therapy … 

A thread of Self Deprecating Humor made them laugh … too loudly … at all the wrong times.

… And, evoked cringe worthy Lululemon Faces and Sour Eye Rolls.

FUN FACT CONFESSION #2

Not-So-Stealthy Millennials Are Incurably Fixated On Recording Sh!t … Their Generation Thing That They Do Every Millisecond And Haven’t Begun The Decades Long Journey Of Regret Of Over-Sharing (You’ll See) … Mostly, Void Of Consideration And Consequences Past The Moment … 

“Enjoying Equally As Much As Posting Same Sh!t The Very Moment Same Sh!t Happens.  Stream Queens, Y’all.  Because They’re Awesome As Awesome Gets At It.  And, Isn’t It Just Awesome To Be Awesome At Something?”

Now, my certain forthcoming prosecution/persecution by the Higher Court of Social Media/Mob Injustice – click to Like, please share if you care – I await anxiously as testimony to having a Yap That Doesn’t Know When To Close … 

I will retain an attorney well established in defending Human Rights Violations Against Those … Wearing UGG’s, PINK® sweatpants and Dirty Hair Buns in public preferably, one named Marshall or Madison or Mwah whom understands my plea of ignorance is defendable, and to some degree, nearly endearing.

WHO IS THIS GUY?

Coughing Up Verbal Diarrhea/Phlegm About Life And Career And Crap We Don’t Want To Hear About

“Hey, Isn’t That Soapbox Too Big For His Fat Melon?”

Nope, and it’s a stool I’m sitting on, Carl.

… Me – Chilled to Gazpacho Cucumber Cool – dressed down to meet my constituents in Almost Skinny Jeans, casual off-brand Tee and Epically-Failing-To-Be-Hip-Uncomfortably-Past-My-Prime too white True Religion® sneakers … Like it mattered.

WHAT HAPPENED?

Right Or Wrong, I Dented – If Not Caused At Least A Momentary Pause For Contemplation – The Illusion Of Trying Being Fabulous Is Unfulfilling … It Takes Work (Better Invested Elsewhere) … Not Talent … 

All delivered with a knowing smile of experience, i.e. Hard Knock’s, Beat Down’s, Career Battles, Me-Versus-Universe (I Lost), Woe-Is-Me-Lord, Get-All-The-Way-Over-Myself, Stumble-Fall-Fail-Repeat-Cycle, Self-Loathing … 

“Life In The Big Picture And Smallest Details, My Darlings, Is Not Theory … It’s What Happens When Your Pretty Noses Are Buried In Your Phones … Not Something You’ll Find On-Line … Because Its Real And It Just Happened.”

Yes, I shattered myopic dreams and delusions of adequacy … with a healthy dose of grinding adult realty that no institution of higher learning ever teaches … And, a bunch of relevant facts their teachers, besties and parents – Trifecta of Enablers – may leave out.

BIG APPETITE

Negligible Attention Span … Is The Big Rub Here, Folks … 

The Dichotomy of Speaking To With Millennials.

I do it everyday – ad nausea – in my full-time Hustle Wiping Crocodile Tears and changing Adult Diapers Filled With The Stench Of Entitlement & Blame by the hordes …

… We’ll Discuss This Gem Of A Career Derailment Soon.

NO PROPAGANDA, SAVE THE YADA YADA

Or Purple Participation Ribbons … Gold, Platinum, Titanium StarsTo Hand Out … 

Just my inarguable Factual Opinions

To Nosh On … between slurps of 40-oz. Bubble Tea Tanks.

… Which Segued Poetically Into Their Favorite Topic … 

IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU: YOUR “ME-ME-ME” BRAND

What You Do Matters …  Your Word And Your Actions Are Your Currency … Your “You” Is Your “Me”, Capisce?  

Talent – Everyone Has It, All Kinds Of It, See God For Details – Only Gets You So Far.  Often, it doesn’t even open the door to opportunity.

“There Is Far Too Little Knowable Meritocracy Rewarded In The Business World.”

Wait for the cliché … It’s about RelationshipsHow and with Whom you develop them … and, also, damn ugly biases: Sexism, Racism, Ageism, Nepotism – which of course, I didn’t mention because my cowardice and stupidity, while far reaching and boundless, are exclusively self-induced, well guarded, and neither translatable nor transferrable …

BURST A BUBBLE

I Did … And Another …

When I referenced the most successful designers – Top Income Earners – I manage tolerate are the one’s that don’t consider themselves a designer, but a serious business person.

“Nope.  They’re Pragmatic Facilitators With Monkish Focus … Enabling Success By Negating Distractions And Opening Every Potential Channel Of Opportunity … To Be Capitalized And Monetized For Self Gain.”

Driven.  Avaricious.  Deep Unwavering Belief In Self.  Self Always Comes First – in the Middle – and Last.  Non-Negotiable Terms And Conditions Of Success.  Envision success – Law Of Attraction – and there it is … Big Positive Energy At Play.

AND, THIS

Trust … Credibility … Accountability … Blah, Yada … Blah, Yada …  

“Truth Is The Foundation Of Your Constitution And Life Legacy.”

Now, They Were Listening … Scribbling Notes/Doodling …

Yeah, Except One … 

FUN FACT CONFESSION #3

There Was A Sleeper In The Front Row … Wait, what?

“Well, She Had Her Eyes Closed …”

Maybe it was a long Blink Embellished Bliss, which happens when I Whisper To Millennials …

Then she awoke to the polite applause and my smarmy grin, and the world was wonderful again.

 

Photo by Tracy Le Blanc from Pexels

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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