An Idiot’s Guide To Time Travel

EDITOR’S NOTE

It’ll Enrich The Reader’s Experience … 

To recognize and celebrate we’re all Dumb As Mud on occasion.  While for some, such occasion happens daily … mine dropped midweek.  Sort of.

You needn’t be Einsteinian to comprehend what follows.

In fact, that would be a hindrance to its enjoyment, because none of it is rooted in Scientific Dogma, which I’ve since discovered isn’t a brand of nutritionally-balanced food for smart canines.

 

I THOUGHT IT WAS WEDNESDAY

On Thursday …  

I shuffled through nearly half-a-day in Blissful Ignorance – which really is the best kind Content like Cement. 

Marble-mouthed humming segued into slippery whistling: Booker T’s groovy ‘Green Onions’ though it may have been Wagner’s majestic ‘Ride of The Valkyries’.

… Damn, If I Don’t Always Get Those Two Jams Mixed Up …

 

FUN FACT CONFESSION UNNECESSARY DIGRESSION

I Can’t Whistle … At Least Not In An Ahem, Manly Way … There I Said It …  

I’m afraid I’ve had one too many full Spa Days for that.  I’m a platinum member at Effeminacy.  Seriously, not really.

I’m more of a gentle Lisperererer … Spitty Slurry.  It’s not pretty.  I’ve been told to wear a muzzle whenever I whistle, and also, to never whistle.

Like Sylvester getting his Suffering Succotash on loitering by Tweety’s birdcage.

 

BACK TO THE HUMP DAY FEELING

Euphoric About Getting A Surprise Happy Meal … 

With the toy I wanted.

Hot Wheels ® only, please.

.. Because One Can Never Have Enough Hot Wheels or Happy.

 

BEEN HERE BEFORE?

Déjà Vu Doo … De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da … 

When One Experiences The Overwhelming Feeling Of Being Cursed All Over Again …

And, them Besties just aren’t behaving like Besties.

… La De Da Da De, La De Da De Da

 

GROUNDHOG DAY CONUNDRUM

I Went On With The Self-Crafted Charade …  

Reasoning:

“Damn, If This Is Time Travel, I Want Me Some.”

What Do You Mean … I can say and do anything I want today ’cause I can go back to yesterday and wipe it all clean?

 

WHAT I DID

Checked Online For Yesterday’s ‘Winning’ Lottery …

Spent $2,174 in lottery tickets – Hey, I swear it’s all I had on me – playing The Same Winning Number.

No, I wasn’t taking any chances on losing.  Not again.

Also, I wasn’t about to split the Jackpot with any other Time Travellers.

 

AND, THIS

I Washed My Car … Knew It Wasn’t Going To Rain … Momma Didn’t Raise No Fool … 

Stuck out my tongue passing a school bus full of nuns … Hey, Revenge Is A Bugger, Sisters.

Squeezed a loaf of crusty French bread … As a lapsed 2% Francophone – Way To Go, Ancestry.com – it is my Normand Birthright to pinch.

… Prepaid my taxes to the year 2043.

 

THE OBVIOUS BENEFITS

Of Time Travel … 

Do Overs.  Redux.  Procrastination isn’t a Thing.

Leftovers, again?  I haven’t even made dinner yet …

… Car keys are exactly where you forgot you left them.

 

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT

It Was Actually A Moth … 

That wrote the original dissertation on the Chaos Theory.

But, wouldn’t you know, a Butterfly went back in time … and borrowed it.

… Plagiarism in the Lepidoptera Order is the Leading Cause Of Insecticide.

 

THIS WAS WRITTEN

Yesterday Today Yesterday …  

While noshing on my Happy Meal.

Playing with my minature ’72 Hemi ‘Cuda ripping down an Orange Track.

… Double Loop-de-Loop.

 

Photo by Stas Knop from Pexels

 

 

14 thoughts on “An Idiot’s Guide To Time Travel

  1. Erica/Erika

    Funny on the scientific dogma clarification:) I often refer to Groundhog Days in my life for different reasons. A witty and interesting post, Michael. Re buying lottery tickets, we spent a couple of months in New Zealand this year, a full day ahead of friends and family. Yes, lottery ticket numbers were discussed. Still did not win it big:)

    Liked by 1 person

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