So, Chad Called …

FINALLY

Yeah, But Not That Chad, Silly.  Maybe, You Were Thinking Lowe … Rob’s Baby Bro?

Or, Chad Smith.  Drummer (Cool).  Red Hot Chilli Peppers.  

Chad Kroeger – Hey, Did He Ever Get His Nickelback? – Nope, Again.

And, Definitely Not Chad Michaels.  Dude’s Such A Drag … Queen. 

 

GETTING WARMER …

So, Who’s The Chaddest … The Wickedest … Chad Of Them All?

Why it’s, Chadwick Gates.  Of The Great Southern Hawaiian Fruit Company.  C’mon, Seriously?

Elvis – in – Blue Hawaii!

Little Tofurkey Noshing Music To Shake It Up: Rock-A-Hula, Baby!

 

TALKING ABOUT

The Other Freakin’ Chad … The One We Almost Never Want To Hear About …  

The African Republic.  Well, Not The Entire Country.  I Dunno, Might’ve Been.

Its Not Like They All Facetimed Me Together.

“Representing The Two-Thirty-Five, Y’all.”

 

GOT A BAD RASH OF

Telemarketing Calls From …   

Algeria.  Albania.  El Salvador.

Montenegro.  Macedonia.

… And, Chad. 

 

HUSTLING

Calling My Work iPhone …   

Lots Of Mandarin-Speak.  What I Heard.  When I Bothered To Pick Up.  

Yep, I Answered A Few.  Texted Back A Couple.  With Adorable Responses, Like:

“I’m Too Busy Blogging To Give A Dump About Your Important Call.  Please Leave A Message.  I Promise Not To Listen To It.  I’m Bad Like That.  Seriously, I Never Listen To Messages …” 

 

HERE WE GO NOW

The Next Call I Get Is A Visit From … 

Doug In Accounting.  My Man, Duggity.  Getting His Abacus Up On Me, Y’all.

So, The Sh!t Got Real.  Fast.

… When The Macha Bean Dropper, Duggity, Came Calling My Name.

 

A VERBAL RE-ENACTMENT:  WORDS EXCHANGED

Duggity:  “There’s some odd charges on your company iPhone.”  Casting shade on a cloudless morning.

K-Whiz/zy (Me, My Office Name): “What?”  Surprised, like I didn’t know it was coming.

Duggity:  “It’s not about the money, Whiz.”

K-Whiz/zy:  “What kind of charges?”  Crackly.  Epic fail on my weak feign.

 

MY INNER VOICE MAY HAVE SCREAMED

Damn, Those 1-888-XXX-LOVE Lines Are A Scam, Bra!

“First 3 Minutes Are Supposed To Be Free, Right?”

Then $0.49 A Minute After That.  I Read Fine Print.

“Wait, Was The Decimal Before The 4 or After The 9?”

 

BACK TO DUGGITY + K-WHIZ/ZY

K-Whiz/zy: “How much?”

Duggity: “One-Fifty.”

K-Whiz/zy: “Ouch … Dubya Tee Eff Me.”

Duggity:  “It’s not about the money, but if you’re going to be texting international numbers for business then we need to change your mobile plan.”

 

ANOTHER THING?

Duggity:  “Try to avoid 4-1-1 calls for information.”

K-Whiz/zy: “Okay.  Like O’ahu or Graceland?”

Duggity:  “What?”

K-Whiz/zy: “For example, I mean.  Just saying.  I would never.  You know.  Call places like that.  Never mind.”

 

LAST THING

Duggity:  “We ever done business with The Great Southern Hawaiian Fruit Company?”

K-Whiz/zy:  “Never heard of them.” 

My phone lit up.  Ringtone chimed:

“Rock-A-Hula, Rock-Rock-A-Hula … The way she moves her hips to her fingertips … I feel I’m heaven bound …”

Duggity:  “Right.”

K-Whiz/zy:  “Aloha, Bra.”

 

“Rock-A-Hula-Baby”
Songwriters: Benjamin Weisman, Dolores Fuller, Fred Wise
© Warner Chappell Music, Inc., Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Carlin America Inc.

20 thoughts on “So, Chad Called …

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