Yeah, But Not That Chad, Silly. Maybe, You Were Thinking Lowe … Rob’s Baby Bro?
Or, Chad Smith. Drummer (Cool). Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
Chad Kroeger – Hey, Did He Ever Get His Nickelback? – Nope, Again.
And, Definitely Not Chad Michaels. Dude’s Such A Drag … Queen.
GETTING WARMER …
So, Who’s The Chaddest … The Wickedest … Chad Of Them All?
Why it’s, Chadwick Gates. Of The Great Southern Hawaiian Fruit Company. C’mon, Seriously?
Elvis – in – Blue Hawaii!
Little Tofurkey Noshing Music To Shake It Up: Rock-A-Hula, Baby!
The Other Freakin’ Chad … The One We Almost Never
Want To Hear About …
The African Republic. Well, Not The Entire Country. I Dunno, Might’ve Been.
Its Not Like They All Facetimed Me Together.
“Representing The Two-Thirty-Five, Y’all.”
GOT A BAD RASH OF
Telemarketing Calls From …
Algeria. Albania. El Salvador.
… And, Chad.
Calling My Work iPhone …
Lots Of Mandarin-Speak. What I Heard. When I Bothered To Pick Up.
Yep, I Answered A Few. Texted Back A Couple. With Adorable Responses, Like:
“I’m Too Busy Blogging To Give A Dump About Your Important Call. Please Leave A Message. I Promise Not To Listen To It. I’m Bad Like That. Seriously, I Never Listen To Messages …”
HERE WE GO NOW
The Next Call I Get Is A Visit From …
Doug In Accounting. My Man, Duggity. Getting His Abacus Up On Me, Y’all.
So, The Sh!t Got Real. Fast.
… When The Macha Bean Dropper, Duggity, Came Calling My Name.
A VERBAL RE-ENACTMENT: WORDS EXCHANGED
Duggity: “There’s some odd charges on your company iPhone.” Casting shade on a cloudless morning.
K-Whiz/zy (Me, My Office Name): “What?” Surprised, like I didn’t know it was coming.
Duggity: “It’s not about the money, Whiz.”
K-Whiz/zy: “What kind of charges?” Crackly. Epic fail on my weak feign.
MY INNER VOICE MAY HAVE SCREAMED
Damn, Those 1-888-XXX-LOVE Lines Are A Scam, Bra!
“First 3 Minutes Are Supposed To Be Free, Right?”
Then $0.49 A Minute After That. I Read Fine Print.
“Wait, Was The Decimal Before The 4 or After The 9?”
BACK TO DUGGITY + K-WHIZ/ZY
K-Whiz/zy: “How much?”
K-Whiz/zy: “Ouch … Dubya Tee Eff Me.”
Duggity: “It’s not about the money, but if you’re going to be texting international numbers for business then we need to change your mobile plan.”
Duggity: “Try to avoid 4-1-1 calls for information.”
K-Whiz/zy: “Okay. Like O’ahu or Graceland?”
K-Whiz/zy: “For example, I mean. Just saying. I would never. You know. Call places like that. Never mind.”
Duggity: “We ever done business with The Great Southern Hawaiian Fruit Company?”
K-Whiz/zy: “Never heard of them.”
My phone lit up. Ringtone chimed:
“Rock-A-Hula, Rock-Rock-A-Hula … The way she moves her hips to her fingertips … I feel I’m heaven bound …”
K-Whiz/zy: “Aloha, Bra.”