Life “Plan B” Redux

INVOLVES A SOFA, TRAILER PARK & A KIBBUTZ

I’m Undecided – Letting Fate Drop Me On The Bull’s Eye – As One Of The Above May Be Housing My Skinny Ass Soon Enough …

Also, I’m Now Accepting Offers As A Handsomely Compensated, Professional Live-In Consigliere-Domestic.  Serious Inquiries Only, Please.  I’m Willing To Relocate To Warmer Climes And Have Nearly Credible Personal References (Including Results From 4 of 7 Polygraphs).

Once I Figure How To Get Out Of The Real Estate Mess I’m In.

“Pending Lottery Win (Not Happening … I Don’t Play), Divine Intervention (We Talk … Trying To Work Things Out Before Purgatory), Or A Family Intervention (Wait, What? … I Thought This Was About Uncle Ernie’s Halitosis!).”

 

LIFE: SIMPLY COMPLICATED VERSION

Yeah, It’s What Happens When Nothing Does …

A Mutually Agree-To-Disagree Situation Morphs Into Irreconcilable Differences – Let’s Get This Thing Legally Dissolved Tout de Suite – Goes Whoa, Cowboy!

Kuched Translation:

“Yo, Dude, Y’all Are Screwed And Whatnot.”

 

WHAT WAS “PLAN A” AGAIN?

Oh, That Was A “Pre-Reality Check” Back In 2016 … Before It Went To Checkmate … 

“Y’Know, Sell The Matrimonial Estate – Cha-Ching Out Of Dodge – And Set-Up Mid-Life Bachelor Dad Pad Midtown.”

The Lair.  Grotto.  The Jungle Room.  Ew.

See: Elvis (Graceland).  Hef (The Playboy Mansion).  And, The Hoff (Malibu Beach).  For Inspiration.  But, Go Light On Creepy.  Skip The Shag.  No Faux Animal Prints.  Or, Pho Take-Out.

 

‘MEMBER THAT OL’ COUNTRY SONG?

“She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft?”  

Yeah, Annoying As Mice On Ice.  Right Up There With … “Take This Job And Shove It.”  And, Who Wants To Remember: “If I Said You Had A Nice Body (Would You Hold It Against Me?).”

Unnecessary Digression Of Goofy Songs Aside, By Process Of Being Manwiched Out:

“I’ve Been Living My Epiphany (All 3 Versions) In Shaftsvilletown.  I’m Not Complaining.  I’m Whining.  There’s A Knowable And Allowable Difference.  Let’s Call It A Charming Vent.”

 

THE PRETTY FACTS

Good News: The Market Value Of My House – And Most Homes In The Greater Toronto Area (Canada) – Swelled By 400% In 15 Years.  Translation: It’s A Cool $1M To Buy-In An Average Joint.  Six Zeros.  No Decimal.  To Start. 

The Opposite Of Good News: Average Is Seriously Just Average In Appearance And Value With A Super-Inflated Price.  You Definitely Don’t Get What You Pay For Anymore.

Old News:  I Don’t Live There Anymore.

Too Bad, So Sad, It-Ain’t-Really-Shitty-To-Be-Me News:  I Still Own 50% Of Something I Don’t Live In And Never Will Live In Again.  Fine.  Still Halfsies, Right?

Awesome News:  I’m Alive – Up To Here With Self Love – And, Know How To Laugh At Myself When Others Are Not.  Plus, My First Installment Of Learn To Dance Free-Style, Street And Latin Hustle With MickStreaming Series Is Nearly YouTube Worthy.  I’ll Be Announcing It’s Global Premiere And Truncated Title Shortly.  After I Pitch Netflix About A Documentary On The Making Of: Learn To Dance Free-Style, Street And Latin Hustle With Mick.

 

GO SMALL OR NO HOME

Save The Jokes For Amateur Night, Folks … 

I’m Talking Tiny – Go On, I’ll Wait … Laugh It Out – Which Is Smaller Than Small.

“I’m Good With Little Things.  My Dog (By Choice) Is A Shih Tzu.  I Still Day Dream About Playing With Hot Wheels (Miniature Scale Toy Cars).  And, Night Dream About Mediocrity Elevated With Delusions Of Adequacy.”

… A Bloody Small House, Damn It.  Like HGTV Pimps Out.  On A Rural Lot Next To A Stream With A View Of A Rainbow And Toto.

 

KIBBUTZNIK

Not Sure That I Even Qualify … Being A Lapsed Hypo-Christian (Catholic Conscientious Objector, Non-Reformed, Exorcism-Pending Vatican Approval) … 

Perhaps, My High School Sociology Teacher Should’ve Mentioned That When I Was Contemplating Taking A Gap Year Before College And Becoming A Secular Member Of A Farming Collective In Israel.

“Utopian Societies Once Held Novice Appeal To Me.  Sharing Resources.  Working Together.  Living Modestly Off The Land.  Also, I Used To Like Nice Shit I Couldn’t Afford, But That’s All Gone Into The Crapper.  Now, I Just Hate Not Being Able To Afford Nice Shit I No Longer Like.”

Then Again, I Just May Be A Displaced Amish Fellow Gone Rogue Looking For A Barn To Raise.  Goodness Happens After The Epiphanies.

 

BACK TO MY OPENING PITCH: FUN GUY FOR HIRE

On Why “I’d Make The Ideal Candidate” For Resident Couch Potato / Sofa Surfer – Guest Room Fixture – Cabana Man / Pool House Play Mate …

“I’m Clean, Enterprising And Resourceful With An Infectious Personality.  I Make Sad People Happy.  And, Happy People Reconsider Why They’re Better Off Sad.  I Go To Bed Early (Usually By 4 AM).  I Party Only On Weekdays, Starting Around Noon Until I Sleep.  Cops Know Me.  Basically, A Good Guy To Have Around.  Imagine, A Cross Between Jason Statham (With Nice Hair) And A Younger Alec Baldwin (Any Baldwin, Really) And Doug-In-Accounting.  Plus, I’m Modest And Kinda A Big Deal In Certain Places You’ve Probably Never Heard Of But Have Always Wanted To Visit.”

Pets Can’t Keep Their Paws Off Me.  Children Adore Me … Please, I’m Practically A Certified Manny.  I’ll Cook Your Food And Eat It, Too.

… As A Bonus: I’ll Write Your Blog Posts.  I Guarantee To Increase Your Followers By A Minimum Of One Per Day For A Month Straight.  Trust Me, You’ll Be Nominated For A Sunshine Blogger Award In No Time.

 

Photo by Martin Péchy from Pexels

26 thoughts on “Life “Plan B” Redux

  1. Janet

    You know… I just love those tiny houses they have now. I lived in a studio that was a converted garage for a spell. Bath area was so small I had to step over the toilet to get to the shower. Who needs excess space anyway. Resize, downsize, minimize… it’s all good if you make the most of it. ⛺🏘🏡

    Liked by 2 people

    • Michael A. Kuch

      Oh, I’m sorry … I tend to write in cryptic clumsiness… wandering all over the page. To clarify, I’m seriously considering a small – tiny – home (living alone), perhaps, a short way out of the city center.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. janieleeds

    Michael, I like your posts with their fluidity even though I’m wondering if I get half the innuendos. But I’m sorry you’re selling your home and getting a divorce (did I get that right?) It stinks. Been there, done that. And when the market isn’t in seller’s favor, yuck. But you’ve got the humor, animal magnetism and overall impressive loquaciousness so add that to your list. You’ll get women in Canada lining up to hire you! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Michael A. Kuch

      Thank you, Janie. I apologize for my writing as I tend to go a little overboard with cryptic references. I realize some of what I’m writing is internalized but expressed openly. So, it’s part cathartic and healing and expressive. The sale of my family home has been deferred but yes my separation is heading towards ultimate legal closure. Appreciate your comments. Very generous with “loquaciousness” … I like to have fun with words. 🙂🙏

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    • janieleeds

      While I don’t know you well enough to follow the cryptic references all the time, I find them interesting and your choice of words/feelings expressed very cathartic for some of them are universal when faced with similar situations. Your joy of having fun with words shines through Michael. I like it! 🙂 May you continue your healing journey! ♥

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  3. Writer of words

    Well there is so much I want to say… 🙂

    You cracked 400 the other day, did you notice?

    Also my house is perfect for one person, maybe two if neither is a pack rat or hoarder…but not for four (three of whom live here now hang on to too much stuff). But you’d need probably close to a million, because it’s ridiculous here where I live. Bonus? You can park four cars on the private driveway. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

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