Asshole Repellant

NEW FROM THE FABULOUS MAKERS OF KUCHED

I Know, I Should’ve Patented The Formula … 

Before I Went To Market.

What The Hell, I’m Making It A Public Domain.  Free, Y’all.  The Giving Sort That I Am On Wednesdays.

… I’m In A Sharin’ And A Carin’ Mood. 

 

HERE’S THE SECRET FORMULA

Mix Equal Parts Cold Tap Water And Hot Tap Water In A Glass Measuring Cup … Just Like You’re Making JELL-O But Without The Magical Sugary Crystals.

Set Aside And Allow To Temper Until Tepid.  Overnight Is Best.  Do Not Chill Or Store Next To A Heating Element Or Place In Direct Sunlight, Which Would At First Seem Impossible If It’s Night Time, But Has Anyone Thought Of Our Norwegian Friends Living For 6 Months In The Land Of The Midnight Sun?  Exactly.

“Pro-Tip:  Combine Water With Your Choice Of Essentials Oils.  Fragrant Flora.  Lavender Is My Fav.  Ylang-Ylang, Too.  For Added Fizzy Action: Up Your Asshole Repellent To Next Level And Drop In An Alka-Seltzer Tablet.”

… Citrus Anything, Really.  Bergamot Is Bloody Lovely.  Get Your Chamomile On.

 

POUR INTO A SPRITZER BOTTLE

Be Careful … 

You Don’t Want To Spill This Elixir On Yourself Unless You’re Having An Urge To Be An A-Hole.  It Happened To Me Once.  As I Was Writing This …

Decant Into A Convenient-Sized Spritzer Bottle.  Like An Empty Travel-Size Plasticky Thingy.  

… It’ll Store For Up To A Week In A Cool Dark Place.

 

HOW TO USE

It Works Best … 

In Mini Doses.  Several Small Applications, Repeated Daily.  When The Intended ‘Holer Is Least Expecting.

On The Neck.  Behind The Ear.  The Wrist.

… Wherever Assholes Are Found.

 

TELL THEM ITS A SWEDISH LOVE POTION

Meant To Bring Good Luck …

Prosperity.  Fame.  Fortune.

“If You Get Caught: Don’t Panic.  Stay Calm.  Laugh Adorably – Do Not Snort Audibly – Or, Guffaw.” 

… This Is Considered Offensive And Demeaning. 

 

DISCOVER

Your Own Back Story On Its Provenance … 

I Like To Re-Tell A Fable About ABBA Using A Traditional Swedish Version Known As ‘Jajamensan’ … 

“… During Their Epic Recording Sessions Of Chiquitita In 1979.”

That Ditty Seems To Put The ‘Holer At Ease, And It’s A Natural Segue To Revelling About Volvo’s, IKEA and Meatballs With Lingonberry Preserves.  I’m 2% Scandinavian.  I’ve Owned Four Volvo’s.  My Desk Is From IKEA.  So There, I’m Entitled.  Ja Ja.

 

DOES IT ACTUALLY WORK?

You Tell Me …  I Wouldn’t Leave Home Without It.

Like Any Quality Placebo.  Snake Oil.  Quackery.

Absolutely.  Yes.  Good To Go.

… All You Have To Do Is Believe.

 

USE IT AT THE GYM

“It’ll Alleviate The Rank Rancidity Of Unsavory Gym Rats Committed To Deferring Good Personal Hygiene To The After Life …”

Because, That’s Always Pleasant.

“Breathing In Toxic, Malodourous Off Gases From Douchey Darryl Lounging On The Bench Press.”

… While I Wait For Double D To Finish Posting His Pimply Pec Pix On Instagram.

 

IN ELEVATORS

How Many Times Has This Happened?

Airplanes, Too.  Food Courts.  In Over Crowded Closets …

In Line.  At Bucky’s.  Killing Your Dream Of A Blissful Vanilla-Amaretto-Almond Tunisian Chai Latte.

Because Of An Errant Air Biscuit – Without A Port In The Storm Of Humanity And Sans Good Manners – Floated By Chucky Cheeseass After A Fill On 2-for-1 Chimichanga Chewsday’s.

 

IN ACCOUNTING

When Dougie Answers Every Question With … 

“That’s What She Said!”

The Dougster Gets A Double Pump

… To His 1992 Circa Hair Plugs.  Diggity.  No More.

 

I KEEP ONE IN MY CAR

For Drive Thru Pick-Ups … 

Whenever My Simple Order Of A Small Coffee With A Half Cream – No Sweetener – And A Carrot Bran Muffin (With Carrot Shavings And Bran Kernels On The Side, Please) Is Screwed Up.

And, Comes As A Triple Cream And Quadruple Sugarly-Syrupy Greige Sludge With A Blueberry Poppy Seed Bagel.

… Someone’s Getting Spritzed The Eff Up, Darling.

 

ANOTHER IN MY DESK

Next To The Miniature Candy Cane In The Ripped Cellophane Wrapper … 

I’ll Never Eat But Can’t Part With Throwing Out.

I’m Hopeful An Elf Will Visit Late One Night.

“Or, The Overnight Cleaner, The Talented Mrs. Strömqvistberglundgrenolmsson, Whom Keeps Moving My Shit Around My Office Because That’s Not Cool, Tilda … Will Snoop, Snoopy Doop … And Douse Herself In My Artisan Liggonberry Infused Repellant …”

Image by Darko Djurin from Pixabay

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