I’M COMING OUT OF THE PANTRY
With My Arms Full Of Wholesome Goodness …
My Version Of The Truth Includes Decades Of Bouncing From Omnivore To Vegetarian (Lacto-Ovo) To Vegan.
And, Pescatarian To Reducetarian To Flexitarian.
“Pretty Much, An Alphabetarian. But, Really, I’m A Deeply Committed Hypotarian (*).”
IN THE WAY BACK
About A Year After My Failed Crusade To Elevate Quiche To The Forefront Of A Real Man’s Diet … See: Bruce Feirstein’s Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche Satirizing Stereotypes Of Masculinity. It Only Sold 1.6 Million Copies.
Best Expressed In The Opening Statement Of My Confessions Of A Lapsed Metrosexual (1.0)
“Uh, The Early 80’s. Mullets Hadn’t Been Exported From Kentucky. Disco Pooped Out To Punk Rock. Texas-Sized Big Hair. Shoulder Pads. And, Way-Too-Much Eye-Liner On The Guys. Androgynous Mannequinism. Ew.”
I Was A Closeted Quasi Veg. No Apology Necessary. Here’s An Explanation …
A Few Decades Back, I Worked A Couple Summers During College In A Meat Packing Plant – Pause – Don’t Do It.
“I Could End The Story Here Without Further Explanation Or Details To Draw Your Own Conclusion To The Obvious. It’s Not For Every One.”
Though The Plant Wasn’t A Slaughter House, It Was An Animal Morgue.
… Where Bovine And Swine Carcasses Were Butchered – Dressed? – Processed And Packaged.
FRESH MEAT: STUDENTS
Got The Shit End Of The Crappy Jobs … Though A Select Few, Entitled Darlings, Nabbed The Sweet Positions … I Fell In The Middle, Which Occasionally Pissed Off A Lifer Wielding An Arsenal Of Carving Knives And Cleavers That’d Make Jack The Ripper Blade Envy …
“The Worst: Operating The Industrial Meat Grinders. Lifting Half-Thawed Boxes Of Bloodied Beef Hearts And Just About Any Other Lean Cow Part, Passing It Through A Machine With A High Velocity, Spinning Drum Of Razor Sharp Blades Designed To Pulverize Meat Into Flakes. Dishonorable Mention: The Cow Liver Skinning Machine. Modern Medieval.”
The Best: The Smokehouse. Making Pastrami, Sausage, Country Hams.
The I’ll Never Forget: The Brine Room. Pickling Pig Parts – Snouts, Tails, Feet, Ears – Into 10 Gallon Pails. And, The Eye Infection That Lasted Until September.
Going Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian – My Diet Included Some Dairy & Eggs – Was An Easy Transition As A Late Teen.
“I Over Did It. Of Course. Because That’s What The 80’s Was About. Whatever You Did. You Did Too Much. The Decade Of Excess.”
Intermittently, I’d Step Away During My Early 20’s. Meet A Girl – What? – Who Was A Vegetarian, And I’d Hook Back Into A Bohemian Lifestyle That Agreed With Me, And Cause Occasional Alarm Within My Tribe As To Why I Wasn’t Eating Meat And What Was Wrong With Eating Meat. I Still Haven’t Answered Those Questions.
I’ve Always Been Transparent About My Decision To Live And Dine At The Peripheral Of Hypocrisy. Liberal-ishy. An Assertive Pacifist With A Lean Towards Militant When Dealing With Assholes. And, Open Of Mind, Spirit And Heart. Cynicism And Satire Are Side Hustles, Used Almost Exclusively For Vehicles To Move Subject Matter Through This Blog.
WHAT’S IN THE GLASS JARS, MICK?
As Of This Very Ante Meridiem, A Quickie Inventory Of My Pantry Has Revealed The Following …
Dried Beans & Legumes: Chickpeas, Red Kidney Beans, Black Turtle Beans, Romano Beans, Northern White Beans, Black-Eyed Peas, Fava Beans And Green Lentils.
Rice: Whole Grain Brown Basmati, White Basmati, Brown Rice, Jasmine Rice, White Rice.
Grains, Seeds, Etc.: Quinoa, Kanewa, Buckwheat Groats (AWOL), Chia Seeds, Flax Seeds, Hemp Hearts, Pepitas (Pumpkin Seeds).
BECAUSE I LOVE GLUTEN, THAT’S WHY …
Pasta: Whole Wheat Penne, White Flour – Penne, Farfalle (Bow-Tie / Butterfly), Linguine, Lasagna Noodles
Always Stocked Up On Canned Tomatoes And Tomato Paste, And Jars Of Passata (Tomato Purée). Squash. Sweet Potatoes Or Yams.
And To Fight Off Insurgent Gym Rat Zombies, I Keep A 10 Lb. Container Of 100% Whey Protein Powder. I’ll Whip Up A Smoothie Mixed With Berries And Essence Of Whatnot. Spritz Them With It, If They’re Feeling Peckish Between Meals.
MEET THE TARIANS
Flexitarian: A person who has a primarily vegetarian diet, but occasionally eats meat or fish. So, basically, a Self-Righteous Omnivore.
Reducetarian: A person who is reasonably committed to eating less meat, dairy and eggs, regardless of degree or motivation. A slightly Less Self-Righteous Omnivore.
Hypotarian: A person – Me – who is entirely committed to eating whatever the fuck he wants, while frequently get uppity feigning false virtues, foreign to his innate demeanor and behavior. The Highest Self-Righteous Omnivore.
Homotarian: Neo-Cannibalism. Assholes.
Rainbowtarian: Eats Skittles And Crayons, Exclusively.
Typotarian: Has Failed To Master SpellCheck In Texting. LLO.