We Should Talk

GIRLS, PLEASE SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING

The Guys Need Help … Tout de Suite … 

This mess has gone beyond My Humble, Always Jaded Opinion … from Bad Sci-Fi to The Un-See-Able Mortification of Vanity.

An intervention of Armageddon proportion is needed to Save The Males from Themselves, because the Ragazzi are not going to do it alone.

 … I Promise To Help Where I Can, But Please Keep In Mind I May Be Part Of The Problem.

 

METROSEXUALITY ISN’T NEW

Men Have Been Grooming Themselves For Millenia … 

Mr. Beckham – one of The Spice Boys – right, I know he Didn’t Start The Fire, but heck if Sir David doesn’t do a swell job of looking the part.

Prehistoric Beck wannabes looked first to their Canine Besties for inspiration, and then, well, that turned out to be something completely different.  Dogs do what they do.  Envy, much?  To the Undercarriage.  Never Mind. 

Thus, Skivvies – underwear – became the must have Crudité of 13th Century Fashionista’s in The Mongol Empire … the movement to Cover Up – migrated across Europe as manly Scotsmen started donning Spandex Pull-Ups, ending the Ages Old Cry of What’s Under The Kilt, Angus?

 

PLATONIC MAN-CRUSHING

Obviously Lives Here at Kuched.

Been providing a Safe House & Mirrored Sanctuary for Narcissists-in-Recovery

And, Those Pompous Bastards Cursed With High Cheek Bones & Squinty Blue Eyes …

Survivors of Smack’able Face Syndrome.

 

WATER

Was An Obvious Solution …  

Soap entered the routine around 1550 BC.  Crazy Rich Egyptians Scrub-A-Dub-Dubbing on the Banks of the Nile.

Floatable Rubber Ducks debuted in 1940.

… Splish-Splash we were on to something big.

 

MINIMALISM IN MAN-SCAPING

Has Gone Further Than The Essential Grooming … 

Stone Cold Killer Smooth has triumphed in the War of Vanity over Cheveux Naturels as the game – Playing Field – migrated South Down The Goodie Trail to establish The Hair Minimum or Not At All.

Suddenly, we lost our minds, masculinity morphed into something unrecognizable, we started muttering in Portuguese then Blamed It On Rio.

… And, in two easy Hot Wax Strips, everyone went from Yeti to Brazilian … 

 

MAN BUNS VS MAN BRAIDS

I Need A Moment … A Pause To Dissuade Judgement – I’m skipping The Why? – And, going straight to Yeah, He Did!

My adorable intolerance of Dirty Hair Buns On Dudes has been placated by the emergence of Dirtier Man Braids … No hate – think Under-Loved or deferred appreciation.

I’ll come around, eventually, warm to the Challah Bread-inspired woven knots atop every fifth Hipster’s Melon

Looking at you, Marshall.  You’re no urban Viking.  Ragnar Lothbrok would not approve.

 

IS THAT A SPIDER OR A BUTTERFLY?

Sitting On Your Eyelashes …

Couple Wednesday’s back, I’m standing crossed-armed – Got My Attitudinizer / Poseur Mode Dialed-In-Deep – abiding in the hellish cue at the local Starbuck’s … indecisive about Exactly How Much I’d Be Willing To Overpay For A Foamy Cup Of Latte?

I decide $11 nine bucks sounds about right when The Darling Barista – Antoine was it? – interrupts my Daydream About Night Things … Afternoon Delight, with an elevated pitch, “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey.”

… I’m not a “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey” Guy.  Nowhere close to it.  Habitually, I’m slanted to non-elevated greetings.  Because I’m Reverent As A Cucumber.  Damn It.

 

I STARE IN PUBLIC BECAUSE I HAVE ISSUES

Like This:  Jaw Dropped.  Mouth Opened.  Lower Lip Quivering.  Unblinking.  There May’ve Been A Tear.

I catch my inner voice go outer – An Out-of-Mouth Experience – loud enough to be audible to the construction workers outside jackhammering the sidewalk away:

I point with my chin at It.

It being when did the disenfranchised cast of Le Cage aux Folles start tending the Faema at ‘Bucky’s … And, Why Didn’t My Agent Get Me An Audition?

 

CARMEN MIRANDA

Swirling Lactose Behind The Counter … Was All In, Witness The Samurai’d “Up Do”. 

Butterflied Lashes Glittering Under Impossibly Illuminated Brows.  Fabulous doesn’t come cheap or easy in the Decadence of Shee-Shee.

There’s too little Joie de Vivre Floating The Boats In The Harbor.

So, I buy in.  It’s not Me.  But, I get It.

 

MICROBLADING

Is, Um, Still A Face Tat – Remarkably Like The Kind You Get In Prison – Except You Don’t Get A Homey C-Block Discount …    

You know, that Sh!t doesn’t wash off, right?

“Does Dad Know About This?”

And, also, if you hadn’t neutered your man-brows – plucked, electrolys’ized them to threaded Smithereens – I’d have nothing to write about.  So, Thanks, Antoine.

 

MANI PEDI – THE CURE

I Went To School With A Guy Named Manuel Peddy …  

He had impeccable nails.  Soft hands.  Feet, too.  What I hear.  

Anyway, Mr. Peddy eventually went on to open a string of Aesthetician Studios.

Thus, the Obvious … in case you’re ever quizzed where the term originated … now, you know.  Because Revisionist History just isn’t a Propaganda Teaching Rubric, its A State Of Mind.

 

CLINIQUE™ CONFESSIONS

From The Way, Way Back … Exfoliating Scrubs Was My Gateway Indulgence To The Heavier Stuff …  

Charcoal Face Wash.  Clay Masks.  Purifying Mud.

Dramatically Different was what I was after.  Pretty sure I nailed it.

… Mon Dieu, Homme cannot subsist of Hydrating Tonics alone.

 

LIKE ITS 1984 NOW

The Statute Of Limitations On Confessions Of Curious Choices …  

Just expired on this one.  So, here are the only 9 words to recount The Horror:

Culture Club in Concert.  Boy George.  Karma, Karma Chameleon.

… I Haven’t Had A Good Night’s Sleep Since.

 

Photo by Gratisography

 

 

 

 

An Idiot’s Guide To Time Travel

EDITOR’S NOTE

It’ll Enrich The Reader’s Experience … 

To recognize and celebrate we’re all Dumb As Mud on occasion.  While for some, such occasion happens daily … mine dropped midweek.  Sort of.

You needn’t be Einsteinian to comprehend what follows.

In fact, that would be a hindrance to its enjoyment, because none of it is rooted in Scientific Dogma, which I’ve since discovered isn’t a brand of nutritionally-balanced food for smart canines. Continue reading “An Idiot’s Guide To Time Travel”

My Valentine To Walmart

I GOT ALL COLLOQUIAL ABOUT IT

Wearing My Best Worst Resting Pr!ck Face … I Dropped:

“Oh, No You Ditten.”

Delivered with just enough of a hint of Incredulous Sarcasm warmed over by Hurry It Up, Saturday Mornings Don’t Last Forever, Daisy … 

To clue in the obvious that neither one of us wanted to be there … to the smartphone-brandishing, dismissive Little Miss As-If-Whatev’s hiding in plain sight behind the Big Blue Counter of Purgatory … about the two most important parts of Customer Service:

Nice-ish Paying Customer (All About Me) and At-Least-Feign-The-Part-Of-Giving-A-Hey-Now-About-Service (All About You). Continue reading “My Valentine To Walmart”

Carl

ABOUT TIME

I Formally Introduced Carl … Carlos … Carlito … 

Cee for short.  The dude goes by several hip monikers.

He’ll answer to almost anything starting with a C, including Charlie, but don’t ever call him Chuck unless the two of you are tight.

… Just The Way He Is About Certain Things … Continue reading “Carl”

Love Nosh

SUNDAY LEFTOVERS

Sharing My Lunch Today … 

Eating Clean – Forgiveness, Compassion, Tolerance – served on a Big Plate of Faith.

“Light On The Guilt, Please … I’m Saving Room For Gratitude.”

… My Monday Feast.

 

Image by Pixabay

Ah-May-Zing?

OF COURSE IT IS

If You Haven’t Already … I’m Asking Nicely … 

Now is the perfect time to stop using this insufferably hyperbolic Idiom.

To the habitual user (serial abuser), a kind request – consideration – to please refrain from another impulsive chorus …

… The annoyingly slow-as-molasses, exaggerative annunciation (of its three trite syllables) could use a sabbatical from popular social commentary vernacular. Continue reading “Ah-May-Zing?”

Play Nice

“YA DA-UHM PHA-UHK”

Is What I Heard Him Say …    

Annunciated phonics.

Clever.

Delivered in a dialect void of thought, reason and purpose.

I doubt Hope was anywhere to be found … and Forgiveness as foreign as Love … in his hub of a miserable life.

Brandishing Hate – at will – fermented by misdirected rage was all he could offer leaning through the open window of his pick up truck. Continue reading “Play Nice”

Peddle Slower

LEARNING SELF-LOVE

Perspective In Life Takes Time Invested In Truth, Awareness And Positive Reflection.

In our blind, gluttonous rush to succeed and conquer all at any cost – to achieve and be everything we’ve ever dreamt of – we wear ourselves down to the barest thread of humanity.

Until we stress out, become ill, and collapse.

We’re left cannibalizing our Soul for another sliver of Spiritual Sustenance. Continue reading “Peddle Slower”

Confusing False Bravado With True Confidence: Self-Empowerment Built On Spiritual Strength

GIVE EGO A SLAP

It Takes All The Blame On This One.

Humility and Modesty are the true barometers of Spiritual Strength.

“Of the infinite misjudgements, tribulations and poor decisions I’ve curated in my adolescence, ushered through early adulthood and lingered on into middle-age, trumping up my confidence on a fatalistic foundation of bravado and conceit, was the most perilous work of an Ego Gone Bad.”

Continue reading “Confusing False Bravado With True Confidence: Self-Empowerment Built On Spiritual Strength”

Bubble Gum Pink

An excerpt from ‘Swayed’ – Copyright © 2014 by Michael A. Kuch

HANK PEPPER KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA

Going Back To Sugars.

The moment Ray Delano opened his big mouth Hank’s plans went straight to shit.  Strip clubs weren’t his thing.  Not anymore.

Ray showed up at Hank’s place Friday night, dragging a bubble gum pink Samsonite behind him like it was a rotting cadaver on wheels.

Hank figured it was about Tess, Ray’s wife.

It was always about Tess. Continue reading “Bubble Gum Pink”

Uncle Bart

An excerpt from ‘The Rose Consolation’ – Copyright © 2017 by Michael A. Kuch

I’M ZIGGY ROSE

Liar, Cheat and Thief.

If consolation for criminal ineptitude offers immunity from further judgement, I’m not very good at any of these.

A trite claim, I suppose, doesn’t make me any less culpable for what I’ve done. Continue reading “Uncle Bart”

Claire, Darling

An excerpt from ‘Café Baci’ – Copyright © 2011 by Michael Kuch

CLAIRE FLUSHED TWICE

A lady always flushes twice and never looks.

She placed the lid down on the toilet seat to remind Jack.

Gentlemanly etiquette was a desirable trait in cohabitating mates.

She stepped to the bidet, straddled the top, letting the water warm before tending to the feminine essentials with a rinse to the bottom, and patted herself dry with a towel. Continue reading “Claire, Darling”

The 7 Dumbest Things I’ve Ever Done & A Few I’m Likely To Repeat

+ 2 DUMBASS BONUS THOUGHTS FOR “MY PHUKET LIST”

This Farce Is Edited For Brevity And Believability

Delivered with mortal fear of paying Divine Restitution for rarely using my brain and common sense to get me this far along …

Its a small mercy there’s a Statute of Limitations on prosecuting stupidity.

Wait, what?

So, when exactly did it expire?

Okay, scratch that idea … Continue reading “The 7 Dumbest Things I’ve Ever Done & A Few I’m Likely To Repeat”

Hey, Rube

An excerpt from ‘The Last Meh of Chick Valentine’ – Copyright © 2017 by Michael Kuch

THE BREAKFAST CROWD AT THE KENSINGTON DELI

Thinned into a small queue waiting to pay their checks.

A quartet of dink-faced hipsters, freshly smug and failing reverence, postured around the front door, snot deep in their smart phones to notice Chick Valentine as he slipped past. Continue reading “Hey, Rube”

My Sexual Orientation Needs No Explanation: Curious Confessions Of An Obviously Straight Man With Bigger Issues

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE THINKING

What’re you Adorable Little Doubters thinking?

Let’s start with the facts – obvious, fabricated or otherwise – liberated for sensational effect, a requisite for scripting this gem of undeniable irrelevance.

It’s been bugging my ass – right, my puns are always intentional, off-mark and ill-executed – for almost 30 years.

Here’s how it goes …
Continue reading “My Sexual Orientation Needs No Explanation: Curious Confessions Of An Obviously Straight Man With Bigger Issues”

My Passport Renewal Ordeal: A Plea of Clemency to Neuter Redundancy

NOTHING SIPHONS THE VIRILITY OF LIFE FROM ME

Or chafes my undercarriage so excruciatingly raw, as the Soul-extracting ordeal of renewing government-issue ID.

Arguably, surpassed only by the irreverent Ontario Motor Vehicle Licensing Offices for grandiose ineptitude, time-whoring stalls, and their inimitable mantra of: Continue reading “My Passport Renewal Ordeal: A Plea of Clemency to Neuter Redundancy”

(Not) My First Blog (or Rodeo)

YOU’RE FORGIVEN – AND BLESSED – IF YOU HADN’T NOTICED

I First Potchke’d Around With Shameless, Hyperbolic, Egocentric, Self-PromotionBlogging – A Decade Ago.

A recent Global Poll reported nearly 7.6 billion people have never heard of me.

A big, unflattering number – depends on one’s perspective – expected to reach 10 billion by 2050.

Ten zeroes, folks!

How’s that for potential? Continue reading “(Not) My First Blog (or Rodeo)”