Oktoberfest: Meine Lederhose Diary

TODAY MARKS THE 38TH ANNIVERSARY

Of Missing Oktoberfest In Munich. I’m Not Happy – I’m Not Over It – I’m Not There.

This Year I Have Another Excuse For Missing My Only True Bucket List – Letzte Wunschliste – Item.

The Planet’s Largest Volksfest Is Cancelled. It Should Be As Obvious Is The Answer To Why 6 Million Celebrants Should Stay Home.

So, I Will Netflix & Chill My Way Through The Next Two Weeks. Yeppers … Bratwurst & Sauerkraut – Get My Schnitzel On – Nosh On Chewy Pretzels.

I’LL PROBABLY ENJOY A BEER

Definitely-Not-Pumpkin-Spiced – A True Beer That Rhymes With Erdinger Dunkel Weissbier – Best Illustrated By The Product Descriptions I’ve Lifted Straight From The LCBO:

“Deep black/brown color with thick head; aromas of coffee, toasted malt, caramel, spice and banana; medium-bodied and well carbonated, with a velvety texture; toasted malt, dried fruit and spicy notes on the finish.”

Erdinger:

“This elegant wheat beer has a lustrous, deep dark-brown appearance in the glass. The first sip reveals a harmonious symphony of carefully selected wheat and barley malts with exquisite Hallertau aroma hops. The taste buds detect hints of caramel, nuts and fresh bread. An unmistakable top-fermenting accent is provided by ERDINGER’s traditional yeast.”

And My 42nd Favorite Blogger … Me:

“As Above … The Perfect Weekend Breakfast Beer … Pairs Well With Camembert & Pears, Or Obatzda – My Lips – And Tummy. Best Enjoyed Responsibly With Company – Now Or Whenever – 100% Pepita-Free. Christmas In A Brown Bottle. Occasionally Available In My Cantina.”

I’ll Be Donning Traditional Tracht … Waxing Back To My Faux Austrian Roots – My Maternal Grandmother Was Born In Austria Of Ukrainian Heritage – Close Enough For Me, Ancestry.

And, Visit Das Schmitt Haus – Hans Jr.‘s Joint Up In Hali (Northern Ontario) – Like I Said I Would, But Haven’t, Yet. He’s Reading This.

Noch ein Bier, bitte! 

Image by Couleur from Pixabay

Picking A Pseudonym

I’M NOT A FAN BOY OF PEN NAMES

Made-Up Monikers Sound Smuggly – Pretentious-As-Frangipane – Obvious In The Most Unnecessary Way.

“Like Picking Apples. Why Bother When One Juicy Red Nugget Will Eventually Fall From The Tree If You Hang Around Long Enough? Its What Die-Hard, Cracker-Jacked ‘Fruitarians’ Do … Loitering In An Orchard Waiting For Fruit To Drop On Their Melons … When They’re Not Waiting For Seeds To Pop Out Of Their Tightly Closed Pods … And Into Their Wide Open Pie-Holes.”

As A Side Dish, I’m Planning On Going Apple Picking Soon. As In Likely Tomorrow. To A Local Fruit Farm Where One Must (Actually) Pay To Pick Their Own.

Never Mind For Now … Spoiler Alert: It’s Almost Autumn. Harvest Time. I’m A Reducetarian/Flexitarian Damn It. Not A Fruitarian. I Don’t Play By Their Rules.

ANYWHOODLES

Unless You’re Enrolled In A Witness Protection Program – Who Isn’t These Days? – Or Forced/Elective Incognito Status. Hates Their Dumb Birth Name? Or, Can’t Remember It …

I Don’t See The Point On Scribbling Under An Assumed Name.

Sure, If You’re J. K. Rowling And Decide To Go Way Off Genre And Write Shitty Adult Erotica … Go At It, Hermoine.

“Wait, J.K. Is A Pen Name?”

IT’S POSSIBLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS

What Some Folks Choose To Call Themselves …

“I Didn’t Have A Choice With Kuch – Sure, It’s Cool As Warm Butter Tarts & A Chilled Root Beer In A Frosted Mug – Way-The-Effigy Better Than The What It Was Supposed To Be And Thankfully Wasn’t, If Only Papa Lothario Manned Up And Paid For The Privilege To Name His Son … Yeah, I’m Still Ripping On The Father Who Wasn’t.”

And, Besides, I Look Precisely What A Kuch Should Resemble.

Dontchathink?

NOM DE PLUME

Qui?

I’m Getting Ahead Of My Self – Two Words – Same Guy.

So, I Made A List. Crossed Out A Bunch. Can’t Decide.

“Wanna Play? Help Me – Help My Self – Choose A Name That Doesn’t Suck. Open For Suggestions. Except Cassandra (Taken). K-Drizzy (Done That). Or, Kyle.”

HERE WE GO NOW

There’s Meh To My Madness …

I’ve Included A Few ‘No Yo Ditten’ Selections

Goofing On Celebs

Ligation-Proof.

MY FAVS?

Doug Las Velveeta

Vichy S. Soise (The Name Is Ssoise. Vichyssoise.)

Clementine Ste-Augustine IV

Miguel Escobar Patron

AND THESE CELEBRA-CENTRIC DITTYS …

Wylie E. Wabbit

Tim Kruise

Free Oprah

Broose Kardashian

I’M THINKING …

Xavier Bertrand Americano

Chino Pantaloons

Milo-Milos Moo-Moo Ma

Buck Barista

MONO MONIKERS

Tangelo

Booyahka

Cecchi

Oodles

Image from Pixabay

Whyn’t?

IS AN UGLY-SOUNDING CONTRACTION …

Of The Words “Why” And “Not” – It’s A Fact – Brought To You By The Duo Of Obvious & Yuck.

Who Says ‘Whyn’t’ And Gets Away With It?”

It’s Like Daren’t – Another Nefarious Dweebescent-Dinkish-Doofussy Word I Can Do Without – I Do Not (*) Trust Most Contractions. No, I Don’t (*).

Except “Loven’t?”

Now. There’s A Pretty Word Poorly Disguised As A Rhetorical Question, Isn’t It?

With An Obvious Answer. Yesn’t!

Image by aliceabc0 from Pixabay

Elephant Farts & Ass Mints

IT’LL COME BACK

I Don’t Know What’s Up With Me?

Or Why The Elephant-In-The-Room Keeps Giving Me Sleepy Side Eye As If I Nibbled On His Bowl Of Hot Porridge While It Cooled And He Snoozes Like A 6-Ton Breathable Brick.

Damn Those Gassy Pachyderms Dropping Stink Bombs – Floating Air Biscuits – When They Nap.

I’d Like To Blame My Shooting Literary Blanks – Blanking Out – On The Weather. The Pandemic Deserves Its Share Of The Discredit, Too. The Truth – My Beautiful Truth – Is … I’ve Never Been In A Better Place In My Life.

I’M ONE

Happy, Purposeful, Content Little Creature Roaming My Patch Of Earthly Paradise – Loitering, Really – At The Precise Cross Hairs Of Jim & Dandy. Happy & Shiny. Meh-Less & Fabby Tastic. Living In The Darling Zone.

“… The Gooberish Alternative Reality Though Is That This ‘Writing Thing’ Just Isn’t Happening The Way It Once Did. ‘Its Not Serious, It’ll Pass, Mick’ Is The Convenient Lie I Keep Perpetuating.

Much Akin To The Time I Denied The 4-Year Stretch Of Writer’s Block I Nursed Through Way, Way Back … Before It Passed And Words Fell The Hell Out Of Me.

The Second Hyperbolic Thesis Is I’m More Fluid And Proficient As A Writer When I Scribble From A Point Of Pain, Not Joy.”

I SUPPOSE, I MAY, I MIGHT …

Make Peace With Dubya Pea’s Newish Block(Head) Editor – Used Here Under Duress/Protest Because Of The Unnecessariness Futility Of It – That Would Help Plead My Case Of Simple Works Best / Don’t Try To Fix Shit That Isn’t Shit By Killjoying What Was Once A Pleasure.

Also, I Shouldn’t Talk To Imaginary Elephants. What This Magnificent Lump Of Love Laid Out At My Feet Keeps Telling Me. No Matter How Many Peanuts He Bribes Me With

And Trying To Plunge A Jumbo-Size Ass Mint Up His Posterior Orifice?

C’mon Now.

Image By Pixabay

Sweddah Rosso

I’VE NEVER DREAMED OF BEING A PLUMBER

Until I Read … Heard About … Possibly Added To … An Urban Myth That More Plumbers Drive Ferrari’s Than Lawyers.  Makes Sense To Everyone Except Attorneys.  Because Nothing Goes Better With Butt Cleavage Than Corso Rosso The Iconic Ferrari Racing Red — The Only Color Of The Famed Italian Marque Its Fickle Fanboy Tifosi Wear. Continue reading “Sweddah Rosso”

“Writer Of Words, Etc.”

Entry Two In FRIENDS-OF-KUCHED” Week

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT …

Claudette Labriola’s Blog – “Writer Of Words, Etc.” – Is The Writer’s Satirical Expose Chronicling The Tribulations Of Parenting And Domestic Life For What It Truly Is: Living Hell, Anchored By Morning Coffee Perks And Evening Wine “Calm-The-Fuck-Down” Decompression Sessions … With A Few Sweet-Ass MeanMom™ Rantrums Squeezed In.     Continue reading ““Writer Of Words, Etc.””

What’s The Question?

YOU TELL ME

I’ve Given The Correct Answers Below … 

“Yes, They’re Arbitrary.  Despotic, C’mon Now Don’t Be Like That?  Random Enough.”

Your Turn To Be The Q.

… Shouldn’t Be Hard.  G’Head, Don’t Be Shy.  … Ask The Questions Like No One’s Reading?

 

1) THE ANSWER IS …

“… Because It Felt Good At The Time, That’s Why.”

2) THE ANSWER IS …

” … Anyway, I Didn’t Know The Guy Was A Real Cop.”

3) THE ANSWER IS …

” … True.”

4) THE ANSWER IS …

” … Because I Thought This Stuff Stayed In Vegas.”

5) THE ANSWER IS …

“… I Swear It Looked Ripe To Me.”

 

Image by Mylene2401 from Pixabay

 

Awesome Blogger Award

DANKESCHÖN, SOVELY MATTERS

For This Wonderful Accolade And Nomination … 

Sovely Is The Creative Soul Of MurmelMeister.

“A Blog So Passionately Crafted To Reward The Reader With Blossoms Of Love, Music, Poetry, Soul Food … Infused With An Unfettered Awakening And Celebration Of The True Human Spirit.”

So, There’s A Sunshine, Liebster, Special, Barnabas (In-Waiting), And Now, An Awesome Blogger Award Nomination To Crowd My Virtual Mantel Of Blogging Bling.  Grazie, Darlings.

ABOUT THE AWESOME BLOGGER AWARD

“This is an award for the Absolutely Wonderful Writers all across the blogging world.  They have beautiful blogs, are kind and lovely, and always find a way to add happiness and laughter to the lives of their readers.  That is what truly defines an awesome blogger.”

RULES TO BE PART OF THE AWESOME BLOGGER AWARD 
  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Tag the post with #awesomebloggeraward.
  3. Answer the questions you were asked.
  4. Nominate at least 5 bloggers and inform them of their nomination.
  5. Give them 10 new questions to answer.
QUESTIONS FOR KUCHED

When are you happiest?  The time I spend with my two sons, Uno e Dewey.  Writing.  Praying.  Supporting the Daily Bread Food Bank.  

Do you prefer happiness or challenging situations?  I’m almost always in a happy mood, frequently bordering on natural euphoria – must be the sweet pheromones jacked up inside – except for moments of other normal emotions that get in the way of permanence.  Happiness is fleeting, finicky, and unfulfilling beyond a momentary flight of self-satisfying random occurences, which isn’t sustainable.  I don’t pursue, or often think about, happiness.  It simply exists for me.  I don’t miss it if it’s slumbering or absent.  It always comes back when it needs a heart to hug and a mind to play with … Happiness may be something as innocuous as ice cream melting.  Laughing after crying.  Playing with my dog.  A warm or cool breeze.  Challenging situations appeal when there is a drive to attain a desired goal, result or achievement.  I strive for Purpose, Truth In Self, Wisdom Beyond Knowledge, Potentiality Of Love and Personal Betterment … omnipresent challenges, never-ending.  

What is the best thing happening to you past week?  Forging through an extended period of creative voids and abstinence to allow a story to permeate within me – honoring the process to nurture rather than forcing unnecessary words for the sake of writing – then hitting a moment of creative bliss where it abundantly spilled onto the pages as though I had discovered a secret passage into an inspirational sanctum.

What is the most useful thing you own?  My Mind.  My Hands.  My Heart.  My Imagination.  My Faith.  My Self.  My Strength.  My Sense Of Humor … Library Card.  Brita Water Filter.  Plumbing.  NH95 Face Mask.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?  God’s Grace and Forgiveness.  My Mother’s lifetime of unselfishness and sacrifice for her children.  Mio Ragazzi. 

What makes you laugh the most?  My dog.  My sublime idiocy and self-deprecating humor.  Things I say aloud when I’m alone.  Mocking myself.  I’ve always made myself laugh.  I think I’m humorous, though I’m not sure …   

What is something you like to do that other people would probably consider “weird” if they knew?  I often go to see films alone.  I dance when I’m alone to my curated Spotify playlists.  I use purifying facial masks a couple times a year as a devout and practicing Metrosexual Man.  Also, I’ve given myself a deplorable (unspeakable) nickname to keep me humble … because humility is Self Love.  I’ve trimmed my hair twice during the pandemic.   

What was the most thoughtful gift you made?  I was about 7 or 8 years old and I had crafted a paper necktie in school for Father’s Day … Thoughtful, wishful, perhaps back then only because I’ve never met my father.   

What’s the best topping/ice cream combination?  My lips are the topping … over Chocolate Tartufo.

What’s your idea of heaven & hell?  Life on Earth.  It’s the same place.  We’re simultaneously co-habitating in the delusion of Good and Evil, though we’re all too preoccupied with nonsense, ignorance and hoarding 2-ply bleached tree bark to tell the difference … and, even if we could, would we really know what to do about it?

How do you feel about diversity?  For Millennia, Drones Of Social Engineering – Religion, Government, Education, Military, Media – have persecuted courageous individuals and groups merely wanting to be recognized and valued for their inherent differences.  Shame on The Institutional Whores masquerading as Leaders of Humanity.  Future generations will live a truer, authentic existence … until Artificial Intelligence usurps their freedom and liberties, and then the Neo-Persecuted will wax poetic about the Good Old Days when Humans had the right to hate, judge, ridicule, slaughter and enslave one another instead of being censored, cloned, euthanized and de-Humanized by a herd of fuckless robots.  So, be as different, as genuine, as unique, as blessedly purposeful … as singular as God Created you.  

What is your most favorite blog post that did not get enough attention yet?  “In Me Still …” was soul-effacing to write and share publicly.  It’s the closest script to poetry I’ve ever written and recounts a dark childhood trauma … decidedly cryptic, I’m unconvinced it revealed the truth entirely.

What’s your favorite question to ask?  “What’s Your True Purpose in Life?” … “How Can I Help?” … “Didn’t I Pay Last Time?”

What was the meanest thing you’ve ever done?  Lied about the truth.  Killed an insect.  Hurt people emotionally who care about me …

Which jobs would you like to try out, if you had a chance?  Priest (Confessions and Exorcisms only).  Film Director.  Architect (during The Renaissance).  Organic Farmer.  Sign Painter.  Dirty Dancer.  Surfer.  Typography Designer / Font Artist.  Namer Of IKEA Products.  Millennial Whisperer.  Crafter of Artisanal – Small Batch – Kitty Litter.

You’re good at? Short List:  Quick wit.  Making myself laugh.  Telling the truth.  Holding hands.  Chivalry.  Ironing shirts.  Making homemade … Bolognese sauce, Jambalaya, Chilli, Beans & Rice, Kasha, Omelets, Oatmeal, Lasagne, Espresso … Kissing.  Free-style Dancing.  Pinching fat babies.  Flossing the hard to right spots.  Pouring a nice head on a Lager.  Annoying friends.  Getting out of bed.  Foreplay.  Making up new words.  Screwing up grammar.  Using a Corkscrew.  Snorting when I laugh.  Shaking my head.  Cloaking my heart when I’m smitten … Watching movies.  Doodling.  Staring at people in public.  Blinking.  Counting backwards.  Mocking.  Telepathy.  Empathy.  Crying in church.  Day Dreaming.  Shadow Puppets.  Modesty/Immodesty.  Being an asshole when I’m cranky.  Drinking from a glass.  Throwing snowballs.  Losing focus when I’m bored.  Pretending to listen.  Asking questions when I already know the answer.  Falling asleep.  Not caring/Over caring.  Answering questions when I don’t know the answers … Writing cryptic, random nonsense, then tapping publish on my blog.

14 QUESTIONS FOR THE FABULOUS NOMINEES
  1. What’s wrong with you?
  2. Do you prefer pie or cake?
  3. Can you be trusted with a lie?
  4. What’s your favorite swear word?
  5. Are you better at kissing or writing?
  6. Have you ever mistaken Lust for Love?
  7. When was the last time you slow danced?
  8. Is there something you’d like to tell the world?
  9. Who would win in a fight: Godzilla or Hello Kitty?
  10. What musical instrument do you look like the most?
  11. What’s your first impression when you look in a mirror?
  12. Have you ever worn underwear from a person of the opposite sex?
  13. Finish this sentence anyway you like: “Bartholomew, I don’t know any damned Bartholomew …”
  14. Do you think Ecru deserves to be a distinct color, or should it just go back to a being a miserable shade of boring-ass Beige and lose its uppity-as-fuck attitude just because it’s friends with Taupe?
MY NOMINEES

Truly Awesome Are My 5 Chosen Nominees Of Impossibly Gifted Writers And Bloggers I Follow Regularly:

Image by Canva