Life “Plan B” Redux

SOFA, TRAILER PARK OR KIBBUTZ?

I’m Undecided – Letting Fate Drop Me On The Bull’s Eye Of Life – As One Of The Above May Be Housing My Skinny Ass Soon Enough … While I Contemplate A Move From Sucking Lemons To Distilling Small Batch Limoncello, Bello.

Also, I’m Now Accepting Offers As A Handsomely Compensated, Live-In Consigliere-Domestic.  Serious Inquiries Only, Please.  I’m Willing To Relocate To Warmer Climes And Have Nearly Credible Personal References (Including Results From 4 of 7 Polygraphs).

Starting Date Is Negotiable, Once I Figure How To Get Out Of The Real Estate Mess I’m In.

“Pending Lottery Win (Not Happening … I Don’t Play), Divine Intervention (We’re Talking, Again … Trying To Work Things Out Before Purgatory), Or A Family Intervention (Wait, What? … I Thought This Meeting Was About Uncle Ernie’s Halitosis!).”

 

LIFE: WHEN SIMPLY MEETS COMPLICATED VERSION

Yeah, It’s What Happens When Nothing Does …

Once A Mutually “Agree-To-Disagree” Sitch Morphs Into Irreconcilable Differences Of Apocalytpic Yuckiness – Sidebar: Let’s Get This Thing Legally Dissolved Tout de Suite – Then Goes Full-Blown “Whoa, Cowboy!”

Kuched Translation:

“Yo, Dude, All Y’alleses Are Screwed, Pooched And Whatnot.”

 

SO, WHAT WAS “PLAN A” AGAIN?

Oh, That Was A “Pre-Reality Check” Way Back In 2016 … Before “All Of It” Flushed Out To Shitsville And The Goodish Life Melted In A Crucible Of Regrets … 

“Y’Know The Every Man Giggity Gig: Sell The Matrimonial Estate – Cha-Ching Out Of Dodge –  Set-Up The Digs: A Mid-Life-Sans-Wife-Its-A-Daisy-Fresh-Bright-And-Shiny-Life … ‘Netflix & Chill’ … ‘What She Said’ Bombs … Bachelor ‘Rad-Dad-Pad’ In Midtown?”

The Lair.  Grotto.  The Jungle Room.  More Ew – Than Ah – But, Still Some Ah To It.

See: Elvis (Graceland).  Hef (The Playboy Mansion).  And, The Hoff (Malibu Beach).  For Inspiration.  Go Light On Creepy.  Skip The Shag.  No Faux Animal Prints.  Or, Pho Take-Out.

 

‘MEMBER THAT OL’ COUNTRY SONG?

“She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft?”  

Yeah, Annoying As Dancing Mice On Ice.  Right Up There With … “Take This Job And Shove It.”  And, Who Wants To Remember: “If I Said You Had A Nice Body (Would You Hold It Against Me?).”

Unnecessary Digression Of Goofy Songs Aside, By Process Of Being Manwiched Out:

“I’ve Been Living My Epiphany (All 3 Versions) In Shaftsville (I’ve Relocated From Shitsville).  I’m Not Complaining.  I’m Whining.  There’s A Knowable And Allowable Difference.  Let’s Call It A Charming Vent Short Of Charm.”

 

THE PRETTY FACTS

Good News: The Market Value Of My House – And Most Homes In The Greater Toronto Area (Canada) – Swelled By Over 400% In 15 Years.

The Opposite Of Good News (1): Average Is Seriously Just Average … In Appearance And Value Considering Super-Inflated Prices.  You Definitely Don’t Get What You Pay For Anymore.

The Opposite Of Good News (2) It’s Now A Cool One-Million Dollars (Down From 1.3M In 2019) – To Buy An Average Joint.  Six Zeros.  No Decimal.  To Start. 

Yes, I Know News:  Toronto Isn’t Hong Kong, London, Paris, New York Or Tokyo.

 

MORE PRETTY FACTS

Old News:  I Don’t Live In My House Anymore.

Too Bad, So Sad, It-Ain’t-Really-Shitty-To-Be-Me News:  I Still Own 50% Of Something I Don’t Live In And Never Will Live In Again.  Fine.  Still Halfsies, Right?

“Awesome News:  I’m Alive – Up To Here With Self Love – And, Know How To Laugh At Myself When Others Are Not.  So, I’ve Got That Going For Me.  Grazie.”  

Plus, My First Installment Of Learn To Dance Free-Style, Street Shuffle, Calabrian Tarantella And Portuguese Prison Hustle With MickStreaming Series Is Nearly YouTube Worthy.  I’ll Be Announcing It’s Global Premiere And Truncated Title Shortly.  After I Pitch Netflix About A Documentary On The Making Of: Learn To Dance Free-Style, Street Shuffle, Calabrian Tarantella And Portuguese Prison Hustle With Mick”

 

GO SMALL OR NO HOME

Save The Jokes For Amateur Night, Folks … 

I’m Talking Tiny – Go On, I’ll Wait … Laugh It Out – Which Is Smaller Than Small.

“I’m Good With Little Things.  My Dog (By Choice) Is A Shih Tzu.  I Still Day Dream About Playing With Hot Wheels (Miniature Scale Toy Cars).  And, Night Dream About Mediocrity Elevated With Delusions Of Adequacy.”

… A Bloody Small House, Damn It.  Like HGTV Pimps Out.  On A Rural Lot Next To A Stream With A View Of A Rainbow And Toto.

 

KIBBUTZNIK, S’IL VOUS PLAÎT

Not Sure I Even Qualify … Being A Lapsed Hypo-Christian (Catholic Conscientious Objector, Non-Reformed, Exorcism-Pending Vatican Approval) … 

Perhaps, My High School Sociology Teacher – Mr. Stuballs – Should’ve Mentioned That When I Was Contemplating Taking A Gap Year Before College And Becoming A Secular Member Of A Farming Collective In Israel.

“Utopian Societies Once Held Novice Appeal To Me.  Sharing Resources.  Working Together.  Living Modestly Off The Land.  Also, I Used To Like Nice Shit I Couldn’t Afford, But That’s All Gone Into The Crapper.  Now, I Just Hate Not Being Able To Afford Nice Shit I No Longer Like.”

Then Again, I Just May Be A Displaced Amish Fellow Gone Rogue Looking For A Barn To Raise.  Goodness Happens After The Epiphanies.

 

BACK TO MY OPENING PITCH: FUN GUY FOR HIRE

On Why “I’d Make The Ideal Candidate” For Resident Couch Potato / Sofa Surfer – Guest Room Fixture – Cabana Man / Pool House Play Mate …

“I’m Laboratory-Grade Finicky Clean, Enterprising And Resourceful With An Infectious Personality Bordering On Charming (Lovably Delusional).  I Make Sad People Happy (Big Pharma Hates Me) And, Happy People Reconsider Why They’re Better Off Sad (Big Pharma Loves Me).  I Go To Bed Early (Usually By 4 AM).  I Party Alone Only On Weekdays, Starting Around Noon Until Passing Out On A Lounge Chair Poolside.  Cops Know Me.  Neighbors, Sure?  Basically, A Good Guy To Have Around.  Imagine, A Hybrid Of A Jason Statham-type (With Nice Hair) Mixed With A Younger Alec Baldwin (Any Baldwin, Really) And Doug-In-Accounting Hip Vibe?  Plus, I’m Modest (Right?) And Kinda A Big Deal In Certain Places You’ve Probably Never Heard Of But Have Always Wanted To Visit.”

You Should Also Know: Pets Can’t Keep Their Furry Paws Off Me.  Children Adore Me … Please, I’m Practically A Certified Manny.  I Hum Operas (Just Wait You Hear My Killer Version of La Bohème).  Michelin Starred Chefs Have Been Known To Get-The-Hell-Out-Of-The-Kitchen When I Start Prepping Coq Au Vin.

… As A Bonus: I’ll Write Your Blog Posts.  I Guarantee To Increase Your Followers By A Minimum Of One Per Day For A Month Straight.  Trust Me, You’ll Be Nominated For A Sunshine Blogger Award In No Time.

Photo by Vincent Rivaud from Pexels

Preamble To The Way Back Home (Part 1)

MY BLESSED DAY AT THE DAILY BREAD FOOD BANK

I arrived twenty-two minutes early, parked Blue, and sat listening to my daily Spotify-curated eclectic mix – Classic Rock Anthems courtesy of Seger, Springsteen and the Rolling Stones … drizzled with bubble-gummy ABBA, Boney M and yeah, the Brothers Gibb stuttering Ja-Ja-Ja-Jive Talkin’.  The Gap Band got the funk all the way down with Party Train ending the set.  I needed something to lift the malaise draping over me.  Music, for once, didn’t get it done. Continue reading “Preamble To The Way Back Home (Part 1)”

Take It Easy (Kuched Over)

EAGLES

Well I’m a-runnin’ down the road try’n to loosen my load

I’ve got seven women on my mind

Four that want to own me, two that want to stone me

One says she’s a friend of mine.

 

KUCHED

Well I’m a-runnin’ down the street try’n to loosen my heat

I’ve got eleven women on my mind

Six that want to atone me, four that want to clone me

Only one says she’s a friend of mine.

 

“Take It Easy” Songwriters: Jackson Browne, Glenn Frey

© Red Brick Music Publishing

 

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Carl

ABOUT TIME

I Formally Introduced Carl … Carlos … Carlito … 

Cee for short.  The dude goes by several hip monikers.

He’ll answer to almost anything starting with a C, including Charlie, but don’t ever call him Chuck unless the two of you are tight.

… Just The Way He Is About Certain Things … Continue reading “Carl”

Love Nosh

SUNDAY LEFTOVERS

Sharing My Lunch Today … 

Eating Clean – Forgiveness, Compassion, Tolerance – served on a Big Plate of Faith.

“Light On The Guilt, Please … I’m Saving Room For Gratitude.”

… My Monday Feast.

 

Image by Pixabay

Ah-May-Zing?

OF COURSE IT IS

If You Haven’t Already … I’m Asking Nicely … 

Now is the perfect time to stop using this insufferably hyperbolic Idiom.

To the habitual user (serial abuser), a kind request – consideration – to please refrain from another impulsive chorus …

… The annoyingly slow-as-molasses, exaggerative annunciation (of its three trite syllables) could use a sabbatical from popular social commentary vernacular. Continue reading “Ah-May-Zing?”

Peddle Slower

LEARNING SELF-LOVE

Perspective In Life Takes Time Invested In Truth, Awareness And Positive Reflection.

In our blind, gluttonous rush to succeed and conquer all at any cost – to achieve and be everything we’ve ever dreamt of – we wear ourselves down to the barest thread of humanity.

Until we stress out, become ill, and collapse.

We’re left cannibalizing our Soul for another sliver of Spiritual Sustenance. Continue reading “Peddle Slower”

Confusing False Bravado With True Confidence: Self-Empowerment Built On Spiritual Strength

GIVE EGO A SLAP

It Takes All The Blame On This One.

Humility and Modesty are the true barometers of Spiritual Strength.

“Of the infinite misjudgements, tribulations and poor decisions I’ve curated in my adolescence, ushered through early adulthood and lingered on into middle-age, trumping up my confidence on a fatalistic foundation of bravado and conceit, was the most perilous work of an Ego Gone Bad.”

Continue reading “Confusing False Bravado With True Confidence: Self-Empowerment Built On Spiritual Strength”

Uncle Bart

An excerpt from ‘The Rose Consolation’ – Copyright © 2017 by Michael A. Kuch

I’M ZIGGY ROSE

Liar, Cheat and Thief.

If consolation for criminal ineptitude offers immunity from further judgement, I’m not very good at any of these.

A trite claim, I suppose, doesn’t make me any less culpable for what I’ve done. Continue reading “Uncle Bart”